WHITE NOISE starring Batman and THE FORGOTTEN with Clarise Starling II

In case you were wondering, WHITE NOISE is crap. Really crap. Crappity crap crap crap. Maybe about as silly and pointless as THE FORGOTTEN with Julianne Moore. Both films start out promisingly enough. Both are ambiguous in the first acts as to whether the supposed "supernatural events" are even occurring or if it is all a sham perpetrated by less-than-benign characters. But somewhere in the turning point from first to second acts, the scripts veer into the preposterous and basically show you their asses for the next 60 minutes of your life.

NOISE never ever seems brilliant, but it is at least serviceably intriguing for the first half-hour or so. Grieving widower Michael Keaton is approached by a slippery stranger named Raymond who claims to be receiving messages on de-tuned radios and TV sets from Keaton's dead wife. Keaton seems willing to buy into this story after hearing some vague static-filled recordings of someone saying his name. He then meets fellow-griever Deborah Unger who has also been reeled-in by Raymond to listen to tapes of her dead husband. The whole setup seems ludicrous enough to be nothing more than a cruel con pulled on a mournful man, with Raymond and Deborah Unger as the perpetrators stringing him along. Thus endeth the promise of the film.

The movie quickly lays its cards on the table for all to see, and even though the hand is played, it expects us to continue looking for the next hour. Turns out there are GHOSTS! And evil malevolent SPIRITS, too! We know this because Raymond gets his ass killed and Deb and Mike join their formidable forces together to go watch Ant Wars on channel 2 and listen to some Noise Rock. What a bunch of bollocks. Mike quickly figures out his dead wife is guiding him to endangered people who need his help. He dutifully follows her every word until he winds up in the hands of a serial killer who has been killing people like Raymond. But stop the press --- the killer is being guided by 3 "evil spirits" bent on ... something. They are never really explained. Mike has his ass handed to him by 3 CGI ghosts who break his legs and toss him to his death on some rocks. Then the cops kill the serial killer, providing for a tidy explanation of the murders that have occurred in the narrative.

Never has a horror movie filled me with such ... well, not-horror. Bemusement? Passive apathy? This is one of the least affecting movies I have ever seen. Not a single scare to be had. Loads of crummy acting. Very shitty CGI. Flaccid direction and canned music. I'd ultimately call it 'unremarkable' if not for the previous few paragraphs illustrating the opposite.

THE FORGOTTEN is a similar failed enterprise. It, too, deals with a grieving character, which is a neat device, as a person suffering from traumatic loss is very vulnerable and subject to any degree of delusion. You'd think a readable script could come from a character who might be slightly off their nut but we don't know for sure. It seems like this could work, right? But I suspect, nay, FEAR that somewhere in the creative process, a decent script existed for both of these films, but was quickly re-written to "make them more clear." THE FORGOTTEN gets off on the right foot by having everyone around Julianne insist she *is* delusional. Freaked-out over the death of her son, she can't move on. She's in therapy and she's a wreck. When photos of her son start to disappear from her house, she accuses her husband of trying to force her to forget, which seems grandly paranoid but at least interesting. Then we get a real doozy tossed in our lap --- her therapist informs her that her son was actually stillborn and she has created his entire life and even his death to help cope! At this point I'm really on board. Its just crazy enough and atypical enough for me to be able to brag to my friends that I "saw a cool movie that actually did not have dinosaurs or car chases in it."

But believe me, a few dinosaurs could really have helped. But instead we get aliens. I know what you're saying; you're saying some variation on "What the F*CK?!" But yeah its aliens that took her kid. Extraterrestrials whose existence is asserted to us as true, with no ambiguity. I could at least tolerate Julianne *thinking* aliens took her kid; but to be expected to *buy* this horse puckey is a bit much. We are even treated to a spooky T-1000 type of alien who gets run over and such but suffers no harm. We get scary UFO's in the clouds, and people sucked up by blue beams and stuff. Its all exactly like it sounds. It plays out very predictably with her joining forces with a grieving father who has crawled into a bottle to forget his daughter's "death." She dries him out just in time for him to get abducted himself. Then she confronts T-1000 alien and bests him in a game of will, "proving that you cannot sever the bond between mother and child" and whatever. Then everything is put back the way it was, all the kids are returned, the clock is turned back, yadda yadda yadda. What a stupid f*cking movie.

Not to be indelicate, but both these movies are dumb pieces of sh*t. I never expected genius but I certainly did not expect the ending of HOUSE ON HAUNTED HILL to be copied almost verbatim for essentially their full running time either. Here's a question for Hollywood Slumptown: do you think we're a bunch of retards? Because there is more reward to be had with a toilet seat cover than either of these two movies provides. At least one of these things protects my ass from other peoples' ass germs. Then again, I *did* sit through both of these movies, and I distinctly remember that no gun was at my head. So hell maybe we *are* retarded. But PLEASE, Hollywood --- if it has to be dumb, at least blow it up at the end. Is that too much to ask?

Random events composed of minor hits and near-misses

Time to clear some of this stuff off my Brain desktop. Just a lot of silly stuff that happened.

I was at a red light on my bicycle the other day. A young Asian woman was standing there as well. I decided to turn right, but as I began to move, so did she, but she was facing a different direction and practically walked right into me. We both abruptly stopped but she was so startled that you'd think I'd stuck a gun in her ribs. Her arms were waving around like a swarm of bees was attacking, and she shrieked some foreign-tongued curse, likely about my ancestors or some such thing. I apologized, but quickly just left. I felt kinda bad. Also she was wearing this big face-shield thing, like a sun visor, only it sloped down to cover the entire face, and shaded like sunglasses. So I don't know if she was Asian or just unintelligible.

Again on the bike. Passed a bus stop where a fat, grizzled bum-looking guy was sitting. I hear as I pass, "Get a haircut!" I turned around to see him looking at me and I couldn't help but laugh. I mean, I haven't been told that since the 80s. And by a stinky old BUM no less. A thousand responses went through my head, each one making me laugh at my own genius-style of humor. I wanted to go back and just confront him, lay into him verbally with "Take a bath!" or "Get a job!" or "Buy a car!" or "Get off welfare!" or some other such thing. But you know, he had this big-ass black dog with him. With a rope tied around its neck. And I figured it could only end in tears. Either I'd get mauled by this big mutt, and then I'd call Animal Services and it would get put down; or, the damn thing would KILL me, or rip my balls off; or, we'd get into such a row that cops came; or the dog catcher would come and take the animal away for not having tags or something. Basically I was weighing the dog's life against my own amusement. I just kept riding.

I went tubing for the first time last weekend. I had a ball. And I am not an outdoorsy guy AT ALL. Nor am I too fond of water, especially water with Wild Animals in it, like sharks, or crocodiles, or those parasites that swim up your urethra and they have to chop your dick off to get them out. No thank you. But it was fun. Having gotten a weird sunburn once before at Lollapalooza 1994 (big red ears that hurt like sh*t), I liberally applied sunblock throughout the day, but I guess the water managed to wash it off in key areas. So I got the Weird Sunburn AGAIN. Tops of my thighs, where my shorts were rubbing, and the tops of my feet and ankles too. Now my feet look like the 2 new newest members of THE X-MEN. I also managed to cut my arm from elbow to wrist by falling down a small set of algae-covered steps. A friend of mine noted that I "sure am accident prone," especially since about 6 weeks ago I couldn't shut up about this bee that stung me between the eyes and made my face swell up so I looked like Marv from SIN CITY. If I do leisure activities apart from watching TV I tend to f*ck myself up. So hang-gliding is out I guess.

Well, thank goodness for that!

From IMDB:

Michael Lynton, chairman of Sony Pictures Entertainment, vowed that from now on, his studio will be making "only movies we hope will be really good."

... And they weren't already doing this? Oh well, no time like the present I guess.

Makes me feel just a little bit more normal

OK, confession time. I kinda like action figures. I don't call them "dolls" nor do I address them by name or have tea parties. But I do dig them and am rather attached to them in something of a "creator" way. Oh my God, I'm having a breakthrough here. Maybe not. Anyway, have a look at the following site. (Which I have to stress I have NOTHING to do with.)

http://www.still-lovers.com/

The Rob Zombie ouvre

I want to talk about THE DEVIL'S REJECTS but after watching HOUSE OF 1000 CORPSES I feel I need to discuss them both. They do walk hand-in-hand but let's face it, one arm is longer than the other. REJECTS, I would almost venture, is something of a masterpiece. But I wonder --- is it because its predecessor was such a stupid piece of shit that it just looks good in comparison? And is it really keeping in character for me to actually criticize a movie for being shitty? I could chase my tail for days on this topic.

REJECTS is just a damn fine piece of drive-in filmmaking, and is so good in fact that I find myself at a loss to really want to write about it. There are already countless favorable reviews out there to be had, and what can I say even remotely witty or original that would add to the already-deafening praise? Wait, I know! A knuckleheaded comment from IMDB! I DID NOT WRITE THIS! IT'S JUST SOME POORLY-RAISED INBRED PUKE OF A KID WITH INTERNET ACCESS:

"Inapropriate for children under 15, and it is NOT a horror movie! "

Okay. I am staying with my Aunt and Uncle in MA, and we decide to go see a movie. My two younger cousins go to see "Must Love Dogs," and me and my other cousin (13) want to see "The Devil's Rejects." We go into the theatre and the lady says that we need an adult to go into the showing room for "The Devil's Rejects." My Uncle decides to stay so that we can watch this movie. I told him the rating it got on this website and we went into the theatre expecting a "horror" movie. Before we went, I went on iMDB to check the rating. However, I made a mistake, I did not check the content and what it was about. I read the very brief description which said about the people that go on a killing spree. I figured it was a horror movie about some "devil's rejects" that went on a killing spree, and they would be like "scarily" killing people not just going around like a gang. That said, we see the very beginning and think that it is kind of inapropriate, but we stay thinking that it will turn into a "horror movie." After 40 minutes, we decide to leave as it starts to get VERY inapropriate. In this 40 minutes, it said "****" (not sure about the censoring rules on this site) about 100 times, along with many other curses, very strong sexual language, a lot of nudity, a sex scene, and the violence. The violence can be handled, along with some nudity and some cursing, however, EVERY OTHER LINE HAS THE "F WORD." And in this short time, there was not just some nudity, but a good quality time of it. About the "R" rating. This says "Under 17 requires accompaniment of an adult." What does this solve? I am still seeing the same thing? What is he/she supposed to do? Cover our eyes and ears whenever there is inappropriate content? My 11 year old cousin was going to watch this movie with us... It is NOT okay for an 11 year old to see what I saw. I believe that this should be rated "NC-17" simply because the "R" rating simply does not solve anything. Technically, a 7-year old could watch this movie, as long as her mom came in with her. Young children are very influential, and would copy a lot of what she saw in this movie. Since this was a "horror" movie, I figured the worst would be some language, and a lot of violence since it was rated "R." But this movie went overboard. I believe that there should be a rating where you must be 14 to see a movie, none of this "accompanying" business. It does not help. If this was not a "horror" movie and was rated "R," I would have looked into detail and to what extent and why it was rated "R." Now to the horror part -- I was not scared ONCE (in the 40 minutes). Aren't you supposed to be scared in a HORROR movie. What is horror? A gang going around killing people? Usually in horror movies, there is some tension and fright. This should be defined as an action movie. I do not care if it got somewhat "scary" after the 40 minutes. If in the 40 minutes there was no horror, it is NOT a horror movie. Well, I have learned to always check WHY it is rated "R," and if a movie says "horror," it doesn't have to be. Always check what a movie REALLY is.

... Which all reminds me of how flummoxed I am that this movie exists, much less secured wide release to major theatres. I mean, it is just plain evil. The snotnosed punk above, and most especially his "11 year old cousin," have NO BUSINESS seeing this movie, not becuase it is violent (although that's a good enough reason for me), not because it has "the F-word" (again, reason enough for him to suffer through Snow Dogs or Herbie or some other such drivel instead), or even that it has a lot of nudity (come to think of it, what the bloody hell was his uncle even thinking). The true reason that kids should not see this movie (and conversely why it is a work of genius) is that it celebrates and deifies vicious psychotic murderers and simultaneously encourages the audience to do the same, all the while condemning (sorta; I hope) any reasonably intelligent viewer for being a sick enough fuck to do so. Its seriously just one of the most God-damned things I have ever seen (and that comment may indeed be literal for all I know). I guess to sum it all up, the reason this ain't for kids is that it never actually feels "ambiguous." If it even *has* a moral compass, Zombie has stuck a magnet underneath it. The movie is overtly on the side of the killers and celebrates their "freedom," even though this freedom seems to be from law, morality, and even humanity. So basically it is a love song for psychopaths and, loathe as I am to agree with Dingleberry above ... Its kinda inappropriate for 11-year-old girls I guess.

The cast is uniformly on FIRE! Zombie has filled his frame with the most impressive roster of old character actors I have ever seen. I think this movie stars everyone EXCEPT Dick Miller ( a shame really --- what, was he in Aruba that month?). Bill Mosely turns in his best performance since TX CHAINSAW MASSACRE 2 (coinfession time: that's all I know him from), and is maybe the scariest, most demonic presence in memory, while freakishly being able to sell a joke with the best of them ("Yknow, I do believe I can still smell your wife's pussy stink on my gun! Hope it don't rust the barrell."). My God. Between Bill Mosely and Helmut Berger, I feel like my life has changed this month.

William Forsythe delivers a DeNiro-calibre grindhouse performance, all creased-brow and heavy-breathing, while somehow restrained by, of all people, Rob Zombie. Sid Haig is, well, Sid Haig. God bless his pockmarked greasy little heart, he's not exactly a good actor, but he more than makes up for it with commitment, enthusiasm, and presence, and a willingness to do ANYTHING to sell the moment (although I suppose more credit is due to Ginger Lynn Allen for being willing to fuck Sid Haig than to Sid Haig being willing to go nude for a sex scene). Sheri Moon Zombie'c chief asset is on display throughout the picture. Let's just say that after seeing said asset about 1/2 dozen times, I don't think her character "Baby" is too fond of undergarmentry.

The movie is filled with indelible, memorable sequences. and very often manages to hit notes of such visual clarity and power as to almost approach "beauty" status. Its poetry, written in bruises, punctuated by screams.

HOUSE OF 1000 CORPSES is another animal entirely. Probably its most impressive achievement is that it inspired a better movie a few years later. Its not uniformly bad; in fact, after having seen REJECTS, I found myself utterly glued to the screen as CORPSES spooled out. The characters are all there, but the performances haven't quite gelled yet. Well, except Sid Haig, who has been gelled for about 30 years now I guess. Mosely is present, as is Moon, but Zombie hasn't quite made up his mind what movie he is making at this early point. This is CORPSES chief failure, as it attempts to be about 8 movies at once, and as such has no focus or unity or consistency. Part slasher, part camp pastiche, part haunted house, part zombie, part monster, part dark character study ... All crammed into 90 minutes. It doesn't feel efficient; it feels truncated, like a recap of a season of TALES FROM THE CRYPT.

It works for me, but only in terms of a post-REJECTS viewing experience. Kinda like STAR TREK THE MOTION PICTURE is only enjoyable because it shows what led up to STAR TREK THE WRATH OF KHAN. Its not so hot in itself; but intertexturally its damn compelling, akin to reading the flawed first draft of your favorite novel.

The seeds are planted here. Lingering, slomo shots ratchet up the tension as the camera cranes into the sky ... Stock shifts and format changes keep the viewer off-balance but visually engaged ... The characters manage a mordant sense of humor that, when not veering into parody or camp, is genuinely funny.

But the movie goes too far, too often. Filled with explicit gore, little is left to imagine, which is a strength exhibited by REJECTS. CORPSES revels in showing you the exposed scalp or rendered flesh of the victim, while REJECTS leaves you to ponder just what effects that slashing razor are really having. Performances are rarely reeled in. The travelling teens at the beginning are a bunch of stupid, hammy dolts, punched out of a paper doll book called "Stereotypical Jackasses." Not once did I feel a single note of sympathy for their pain (which could very well be tre point; I *wanted* them gone). The script feel like the love child of a first time director ... Oooooops! But I just can't stand it when characters quote poems or Bible verse as they kill a victim. Who does that?! I know I don't.

Still, virtually all of this criticism would be less acute were it not for the final act of the movie. This thing doesn't just derail; it smashes through the screen and kills the audience. Events start to pile up that have no relationship to each other; characters appear that are unidentified but seem to have some relevance to the plot that is never specified. Apparently the last 10 minutes involves a major villain (or two) chasing the final survivor, but we are never quite sure if the villain is who he appears to be, what his relationship is to our, ahem, MAIN CHARACTERS, where he came from, what he wants or is doing ... Nothing. We get a couple of, let's face it, MONSTERS chasing a girl around. Hell, there's even some reanimated zombies in one scene, but they are quickly forgotten about. Its messier than Otis Driftwood's last 5 victims combined.

But still, I am happy for the existence of HOUSE OF 1000 CORPSES. I may even buy the DVD! There is spirit to be had, and enthusiasm, and love of film. Its kinda like seeing your new child take a few lovely first steps, then crash to his knees. In broken glass. You're like, wow, that was great for a minute, I wonder how far he'll get next time. I can't wait to find out. With DEVIL'S REJECTS, those scars are well-healed, and the child not only walks, but thunders around on a riding lawnmower with a bottle of whiskey in both hands, looking for squirrels and woodchucks to fertilize the lawn with.

It was like a banquet of filth

I saw a boatload of fine films over the weekend. Dunno if I can cover them all but maybe I can at least remember the names. Lessee here:

1. THE DEVILS (Ken Russell)
2. THE BATTLE OF RUSSIA (Frank Capra)
3. RAGING SHARKS! (some Nu Video bollocks)
4. WHITE SLAVE
5. THE NIGHT PORTER
6. THE DEVIL'S REJECTS

THE DEVILS was the "uncut" version. Since I've already seen it I don't know how interested I am in discussing it. Let's just preserve the comment my man Paul made: "The part where Jesus gives the nuns mustache rides? That was new."

RAGING SHARKS is about as inane as the title implies. 50 bucks says the original script had a title too sophisticated for the target audience, probably something like DEEP TERROR or SQUALUS INFERNUS! But then the producers were like "No, we need to make it clear what they are getting .... RAGING SHARKS!!!" Its basically a total ripoff of THE ABYSS but for some reason wants you to think it is a total ripoff of DEEP BLUE SEA. Personally I'd have gone with the former since its a better movie, but they likely went with the latter since it was more violent, and more recent. And yes I do believe that this is the level of thinking that went into this thing. The trailer and jacket art insist this is a movie about RAGING SHARKS that beseige an underwater research station. What is *never* indicated in publicity is that before the opening credits crawl, giant spaceships and aliens tinkering with "science" suffer some sort of accident, and the "science" falls to earth. WTF?!? I thought this was a shark movie. But it starts out like STAR WARS. Then a storm comes (Abyss) and the station is cut off from the surface. Then some RAGING SHARKS come and cut all the air hoses and stuff. Then a scientist guy says things like "Inriguing!" and later "Fascinating!" Then also he says stuff like "I don't believe it!" and also "This isn't possible, I've never seen anything like it!" The crew fall all over themselves finding excuses to venture outside and get consumed by the RAGING SHARKS. A spooky accountant who had arrived earlier turns out to be a "Black Ops Agent" and serves as the villain (like Michael Beihn in the Abyss). To spice things up, a lot of stock footage attacks some unpaid extras on a beach. Eventually we find out the RAGING SHARKS are "protecting" a cold fusion fuel source that resides in the alien's "science thing." How and why are never addressed. At a certain point near the end, events begin to unravel that suggest the production has run out of funding. Key shots seem to be missing and explanations for certain results are never explained. For instance our hero, trapped in an underwater alcove by a RAGING SHARK, asks a submarine to fire a torpedo at the shark, even though it means his death. He survives without a scratch, and just shows back up on the underwater base. Finally at the end the aliens arrive and as lovely classical music plays, our hero and his wife (you know --- like in the Abyss!) await their eminent demise by romantically seeing that life exists outside our solar system and whatever. Everything explodes. For whatever reasons our hero survives AGAIN and swims away from the explosion in full scuba gear DRAGGING HIS DROWNED WIFE behind him (cough --- Abyss --- cough). Then the evil accountant floats up! I shit not! They must be on the ocean floor but there he is like he's swimming in the deep end of his pool. He looks a bit menacing, but then a RAGING SHARK comes out of nowhere and eats him (even though the RAGING SHARKS are off the hook for guard duty at this point). Cut to the freakin' SUBMARINE, UNDERWATER, and some swabbie goes "I didn't think sharks knew how to knock," and they OPEN THE HATCH and let Hero guy in ---- WITH HIS DEAD WIFE'S BODY, which he quickly resuscitates (sound familiar?)! I have no idea how fast you have to be to catch up with a submarine but I bet its easier if you aren't dragging a dead body behind you. This is, for all intents and purposes, the end.

For everything RAGING SHARKS is, one thing it is not is boring. I'd not be irresponsible enough to call it "impressive," but it damn sure moves along at a decent pace, and is ridiculous enough to be completely entertaining. Well, if you are a complete jackass, that is. Enjoy.

On to WHITE SLAVE. Not much to say about this except that yes, it *is* a cannibal movie I have never heard of. Yay me. If you've seen one cannibal movie (and I use the term loosely, allowing for incorporations of "Jungle" movies), you are either a fan for life or well and done with the entire genre. You are also more than familiar enough with the tropes of the cycle as to not require me to explain anything to you about what to expect. Let's just say that you'll get what you paid for with this one. The lead actress manages to stay topless for 99% of her screentime, which feels a little dirty as she is supposed to be an English High School student! Its like watching a seedier version of WALKABOUT only not lensed all that well. The movie plays around with form a bit a la CANNIBAL HOLOCAUST in that some of the scenes are depicted as being "real," while others are "recreations based on real events." Kinda nifty I guess. Lots of really lurid gore abound. Piles of decapitations, but no actual cannibalism. Some animal violence, but for once it is relatively innofensive, and depicts a leopard stalking and attacking its prey (a deer and a monkey). Call me a psycho but for once I actually liked the footage as it seemed rather real and not necessarily sadistic, more like just harsh jungle reality. It is also not very graphically shown. That leopard is a real badass though! I wouldn't want to tangle with him. A very efficient killer. No suffering here, people. He takes these animals down and WHOMP, out go the lights. For a jungle film, WHITE SLAVE is definitely low-key (well, comparatively), and features an honest-to-God romantic subplot! It kinda felt like LAST OF THE MOHICANS. Only, made in 1985 for like 50 bucks.

NIGHT PORTER. Hell, what can I say? Its THE NIGHT PORTER already. Pretty good movie. Not sleazy enough or cheap enough to get too much lip service here I'm afraid. Charlotte Rampling plays "innocent but curious teen" to a freakin TEE. It suits her well. She also wears a Nazi Officer's cap better than most Nazi Officers. Its pretty much about an SS Officer having an obsessive affair with one of his old detainees before they both get knocked off by other, assumedly "more evil," SS fugitives. Shot, scored, and performed far too well to make fun of, its easy to see how this movie inspired countless Italian wannabes shortly after its appearance. Amazing how NIGHT PORTER, THE DAMNED, CALIGULA and SALON KITTY could inspire such a flourishing barrel-bottom cycle of movies each successively attempting to out-Nazi and out-sleeze their predecessors.

Thank you, NIGHT PORTER. Thank you.

And now, Ladies and Gentlemen, THE DEVIL'S REJECTS.

Let me just say one thing: after seeing it, I am Speechless.

Strangely enough ...

... I saw a movie last night that I halfway enjoyed, despite my expectations. BATTLE FORCE! aka THE LAST BATTLE from 1978. Following my trend of watching Helmut Berger movies, I managed to confirm that he was actually present in this one before I put it in. Its a modest little Italian WW2 movie that seems to be imitating "epic" WW2 movies popular at the time, like A BRIDGE TOO FAR. Unfortunately for Umberto Lenzi (hilariously credited here as 'Humphrey Longan'), he seems to think that those films' monstrous casts, meandering stories, and multiple-to-the-point-of-absurdity subplots were actual selling points, and not contributors to their demise. At least he has the sense to bring it in around 100 minutes and not the "popular" 3 hours. Good call. (Although it does still feel pretty damn long.)

Twinkling with big stars like Henry Fonda and John Huston (who more than likely also shot TENTACLES on the same hot Italian weekend in 1978), and featuring a pretty decent supporting cast with Stacy Keach (AGAIN!) and my man Helmut Berger, the movie also benefits from a pretty solid voiceover by none other than Orson Welles. Which serves to elevate the proceedings a bit higher than the modest budget would otherwise be capable of doing.

Filled to the brim with inappropriate vehicles for the time and place, it still succeeds on a dramatic level, mostly from a better than average script (featuring genuine Irony and also Poignancy!) and a pair of pretty good performances by Keach and Berger as German soldiers in the Africa Korp. The "Last Battle" of the title is an orgy of stock footage and 180-degree-rule violations, but it provides enough sense of chaos and confusion, however unintentional, to create some tension. Keach goes out like a soldier, when his position gets overrun and he chases a Brit tank on foot with a tellermine, only to be shot in the back as the tank explodes. A pretty cool ending I must say. Crotchety old Huston delivers a funny line, sitting blithely in a ditch as gunfire rattles and bombs explode, dust and debris scatters around him, and he yawns and stretches and asks his young, terrified companion if he wouldn't rather "go somewhere with some action."

Not a classic, but surprisingly enjoyable in a low-rent way, if you are a fan of anyone involved, they very thankfully don't embarrass themselves. (And by 'embarrassment,' I'm thinking of all those straight-to-video movies that Rutger Hauer has made.)

SITH translated into gibberish.

Yeah like it made sense the first time around. Check it:

http://americaninlebanon.blogspot.com/2005/07/backstroke-of-west.html

What's even funnier is that all the linguists get into fits about 'proper English' in the commentary section. The horror!

And now, back to business. CANNIBALS!

Managed to choke down a heaping helping of MOUNTAIN OF THE CANNIBAL GOD. I had originally passed on this one in a major way as its stars were just too well-known. I mean, URSULA ANDRESS? STACY FREAKIN KEACH???? How hardcore can a movie be with stars like that? I mean I just don't see Ursula Andress eating raw snakes or Stacy Keach getting his dick cut off. Which are two elements I fully expect in a cannibal flick, let's face it.

Well thankfully this *is* a legit cannibal movie, replete with 'content' similar to the above-described, just not involving the lead actors. Let's see, we get pig-f*cking, masturbation, castration (is it castration if the balls are left on?), and even a groovy crocodile attack where a guy gets his arm eaten off.

And despite all this, the movie manages to still be a tepid, boring YAWNATHON. I didn't reant a movie called MOUNTAIN OF THE CANNIBAL GOD to see people TALK.

We are also treated to LOTS of snake-eating, and TONS of animal-on-animal violence. Now please don't misunderstand: (I'm putting on my serious cap now) I am a big animal lover. I'm not a vegetarian but I like pets of all shapes and I certainly don't enjoy seeing real animals get hurt. This was a major shocker for me when I first saw CANNIBAL HOLOCAUST because I just did not expect there to be slaughter scenes with real animals. Maybe that sounds perverse (and what on this sordid page isn't), but HUMAN violation is perfectly fine (and even required) by me in a horror movie, but NOT animal death. No matter how gruesome or realistic, nothing you say can convince me that the human deaths are in any way "real." (I'd never want to see a snuff film.) But animals? Listen, I know what these Italians get up to. I know they don't have access to "the Italian Stan Winston." So its basically Faces Of Death time for the monkeys and turtles in a cannibal flick.

And MOUNTAIN delivers on this vile trend in spades, only in a weird way it is sickly funny (if you are totally desensitized that is). The animal stuff in this movie is so OBVIOUSLY engineered for the PURPOSE of gratuitous violence that it becomes comic, especially after watching the interview with the director later on wherein he insists all the animal action was "happenstance" and "coincidence." Sure, whatever. You "coincidentally" had your camera set up at the very moment a snapping turtle fights an alligator. Or when a boa constrictor eats that little monkey (truly disturbing). As the documentary points out, the director is flat-out lying, as you can very clearly see some kind of travelling matte effect obscuring a rod or stick that shoves the little monkey into the jaws of the snake. Stacy Keach must list this movie at the very top of his resume I guess.

Back to the narrative proper. Ursula Andress remains frustratingly clothed for most of the film. One time early on she changes her shirt. Big Deal. Then near the end she gets naked and natives smear paint all over her, but then its back-to-the-clothes time, sorta begging the question, "what was THAT all about?" Poor Stacy Keach gets killed off so unexpectedly an hour in you truly expect him to pop up later on claiming to have just been unconscious, but alas, he never does. (And atypically for a cannibal movie, he is not eaten or dismembered, he just falls on some rocks. See? What'd I tell you about big stars in these movies?)

Towards the end we get almost all of the censor-worthy elements in one long montage, apparently attempting to show "an orgy of sex and violence." One nameless gal pleasures herself, another anonymous fellow is liberated from his manhood, a really big hairy pig finds ecstasy in the loving arms of a guy wearing a stupid-looking wig, and Ursula's brother gets disemboweled and eaten. Then she and some other dude escape on a log in the river. Great.

OH YEAH, the only reason I rented this in the first place was because freakin IMDB said it starred HELMUT BERGER as Ursula's brother!!! But it doesn't. What a ripoff! I TOLD YOU, big stars never do anything cool in Italian movies! They are just slumming and taking advantage of the free travel. Ever see TENTACLES? Henry Fonda, John Ford, Shelly Winters, Bo Hopkins ... ALL SURVIVE. Bleh! Boo! What's the point? The only people who ever give it up are the Ensign Redshirts you've never heard of.

God, I love Italian movies, I really really do, bless their little hearts.

Terrific. Spam on my blog. Wanker.

"Jake Sebastian," do please go die. No, really. Die. Gunny Hartman voice: "Disappear, scumbag!"

A retraction

It seems I was wrong in my earlier statement that I "finally saw my first Nazisploitation film."

What I meant was, I finally saw my first "knockoff" Nazisploitation film, because clearly ILSA SHE WOLF OF THE SS and SALON KITTY are "legitimate" movies. (rolls eyes at self)

And no I have no idea where I draw the line, and I'm not going to devote any more time to thinking about it.

Last night I did not watch, but at least started, what may very well be the most insanely-titled movie OF ALL TIME! How can you *not* be curious about a film called ... get this ... CALIGULA REINCARNATED AS HITLER?!? My word. Anything to make buck a guess. I didn't get too far into it as it seemd like it was edited for content. A lot of jump cuts and nonsequiturs. But I might give it a further spin later.

HILARIOUS credit sequence and cover. This is a 70s movie from Italy, but the cover and credits were clearly filmed very recently, really juicing up the fetishistic 'appeal' of Nazi iconography by having one of those collagen-injected sluts ... oh, sorry, I mean MODELS ... pose in various outfits 'inspired' by SS uniforms. She seems kind of dazed and unaware of what she is doing, and her lips are so pouty and swollen she looks like she is having an allergic reaction.

The rest of the movie I didn't see enough of to responsinbly write about. Perhaps tomorrow.

God forgive me Part 2

OK, last night I managed to endure the entirety of SS HELLCAMP! Upon reflection, I think a more apropos title should be SS BULLSHIT WASTE OF TIME CAMP! Yuck! Here's a sampling of witty comments from IMDB:

" just another tasteless, dull, haphazardly and carelessly slapped together Euro-sleazefest "

"Seedy and boring"

"Historians will hate it, Genre fans will enjoy it."

"Totally vile"

"Snooze alert"

"So much to offer, so little delivered"

That last one sums it up nicely. At the risk of irreparably incriminating myself, I knew I had something wrong with me when I found myself growing weary of all the war and combat scenes, and wished the movie would get back to the business at hand, namely the goings-on at the HELLCAMP! Jesus, this movie made the previous night's fare (SS EXPERIMENT LOVE CAMP) seem infinitely preferable in almost every regard. First of all, this thing is dull as a bag of hammers. Just leaden beyond belief. And its chief offense (which some will find arguable) is not its subject matter, but the PROMISE of subject matter RARELY delivered. I thought I was gonna get an SS torture flick but the damn thing is mostly concerned with Italian partisans. Dude WTF! How hard (or expensive) can it be to shoot a movie on one set, whose most expensive (and, ironically, most desirable) prop is a cheap nude actress? Give me a break. Genre fans lament the film's scarcity but they should truly learn to count their blessings for having missed this one. "Snooze alert" indeed.

In its favor, the lead actress is most assuredly easy on the eyes. She reminds me of an ex girlfriend of mine, just lovely. Which probably explains why it felt so natural to see this actress parade around in a Nazi uniform. It felt very accurate to my memory. But, she wears it well, and if the gimmick had not already been pioneered in ILSA THE SHE WOLF I'd say it was something special. Alas, not so special.

There is also some extremely mean-spirited and nasty-minded gore, mostly involving ingestion or mutilation of ... ah ... people's "areas" ... but it is all so ham-fistedly and ineptly executed that you don't ever really get much of a charge out of it. If that's your bag, that is. I'm still not sure what's in my bag, but I'll let you know once I find out. Join me, will you? Let's open it together.

Boatloads of flacid male nudity this time around. Yay. Endless combat scenes from other movies clumsily edited in. A really cheap-ass model plane drops bombs on people at the end. I'm struggling here people, help me out. Ah, to hell with it. I can't remember any more good parts. This movie sucks. Do I dare explore the uncharted territories of ELSE FRAULEIN SS? It would appear to currently be my last available option in this virulent strain of unpleasantness.

That is, until SS GIRLS comes out. (sigh)

God forgive me

... But I finally saw my first "Nazisploitation Film," SS EXPERIMENT LOVE CAMP! (And doesn't that title sound like a Japanese music video compilation?) Basically, the premise of this member of the subgenre of "Women In Prison" films of the 70s is that a lot of women "prisoners" (never identified as Jewish, or ANYTHING for that matter) are taken to "a camp" (also never identified as a CONCENTRATION camp, its just called a "medical camp") and have "love experiments" performed on them. Luckily a bunch of mustachio'd, sex-starved soldiers from the Eastern front are available to lollygag around in their barracks and kill time until they have to ... ahem ... help with the experiments.

Let's face it: even the title of this movie is offensive, and guaranteed to make any clerk think you are a deranged pervert if you rent it. I read a really funny review that said "the most offensive thing about this movie is that it trivializes the Holocaust." Which isn't funny in itself but the flat manner in which it was stated sure is! But in truth, an outrageous title like this conjures up far more atrocious content in the imagination that the filmmakers can ever hope to deliver. And they don't even try, really. As with other WIP films, the basic setup is mostly an excuse to get a lot of fair maidens naked and then take showers. No, not THOSE KIND of showers! Real showers.

Oh, Sweet Jesus. Should I even go on? Ah why not.

Movies like this beg to be ridiculed, and this one does not skimp on content worthy of ridicule. From a purely historical point of view, the uniforms are hilarious. At least they are almost all actually "SS" uniforms, although they are all early-war period with bottle green collars and ...

HELLO? Is anyone even reading this?

The funniest uniform is on the main character, who sports a nice looking tanker's outfit, although it is clearly Heer/Army, and not SS. I think its a self-propelled gun crew uniform with the Totenkopf tabs on the collar. But this is not SS! WTF is this guy doing at this camp? I'm fairly certain that the film's producers raided the local costume shop for "anything German" and this is what they got. Its not a bad-looking outfit; its just got the wrong guy inside of it. Also this camp seems to only have one guard. Not only is he clearly overweight, he seems to be posted EVERYWHERE. Every time the location changes, there he is, watching the door. Its awesome.

Anyways, blah blah blah. Near the end of the movie, a plot almost develops. Seems the camp commandant got his balls eaten off by a Russian peasant girl a few months back, and he wants some new ones. So he has the doctor perform the "world's first testicle transplant" using the main character's manhood(s) as raw materials. Not content with using the endless parade of nude woment to justify it's rating (or lack thereof), the movie features the surgical procedure in close-up, and in color. Ew. I think they used mountain oysters as props. Let's hope so.

Camp Commandant proceeds to have an orgy to fill out the last 10 minutes of the movie, before Main Character Guy finally gets wise to what has happened (don't ask) and leads an armed uprising along with the women against the Commandant and the guards. "How ya been doin' with my BALLS!" he shouts, in the best line in the whole picture. Finally, the poor Commandant "ironically" suffers the same fate AGAIN at the hands of the irate women, and then everyone gets killed WILD-BUNCH style (only, not cool, and stupid). But, I kinda dug the whole nihilistic ending.

So I guess next up at bat is going to be SS HELL CAMP, which I hear features stock combat footage. Yay! Plus I expect to grab BEAST WITH A GUN, starring Helmut Berger of SALON KITTY fame, just to bring the last few nights full circle again.

And yes I am writing this strictly for people who know WTF it is I am talking about, ha ha.

The rest of you SUFFER, worms!!!

(evil laugh, fades out)

Snoring neighbor: SEE YA

Homie moved out unexpectedly yesterday. Thank goodness! (Although he did take all the plastic deck chairs with him, including MINE). What the hell? That's like taking the ice cube trays with you. Who does that? At least he did not dig up all the cool potted plants that are actually planted now in the garden.But anyway, here's to getting a new neighbor who is quieter. PLEASE GOD, no more rockers, sports fans, teenagers, drummers, etc. A nice, old, single, man. Like my previous neighbor, a huge movie buff, a 68-year-old single guy, the sweetest dude ever. Who unfortunately dropped dead. What a bummer.

That was a strange thing. Here's this nice old guy who was genuinely gracious and generous. He'd loan me piles of videos whenever I wanted and I'd do the same. We'd chitchat and I'd program his VCR for him. This guy smoked like a chimney and one day gets himself put in ICU with a heart attack. I went and visited him and he tells me they found lung cancer too and can't do any heart surgery on him. We don't really discuss it much after that. So he comes home and I notice he has more family around more often, getting him groceries and stuff. He mentions to me something about how some 'hospice' is helping him out, but I have zero idea what this is. I'll always regret turning down his invitations to come visit at this point. I didn't know that a hospice is something that helps make you more comfortable when you are dying. I just thought it was care for folks who couldn't afford it. So one day i notice these 2 people going in and out of his apartment for a while. Kind of odd. Turns out he died a couple days before at his sister's house. It was really quick apparently. He just coughed real deep once and that was it, like snapping your fingers.

So then his nephew and niece show up and pack up all his thousands of videos. I watched them do it and they didn't seem to know really much about movies. It was more a chore for them. I mention that a few of my tapes are mixed in there but they can't find them and ask me to write them down, which I do. In the back of my head I keep hoping that they'll say, " ... why don't you take whatever you want, he'd have wanted you to have them instead of just dumping them at the Salvation Army," but they never do. A few days later my tapes are left at my doorstop in a paper bag with no note.

I hope nobody ever dumps MY stuff at 1/2 Price Books or the freakin' Thrift Shop. All my comics and videos. Hopefully they'll go to people who will dig them and keep them alive or whatever. Maybe I should just sell everything now so nobody ever has to treat my collections as "a chore."

Nah! Let 'em freakin WORK. Break a sweat, bitches! HA HA HA!