More TREASURE! And some horrid crap
TREASURE OF THE FOUR CROWNS (Baldi, 1983): I can't remember if I ever sa
w this in a theatre. I have vague recollections of dragging my poor Grandfather to see it and being horribly embarassed by by it even though I was only about 14 or 15 ... But these "memories" may only be "anticipations" I had because on some level I knew it was a crap film and that I was doing Graddaddy a huge disservice by making him watch it. Maybe I only saw it on cable. Who cares. Its stupid. Awesome cover art though. Check out the scan. And by the way that scene really isn't in the movie. The majority of the "action" involves a handful of "adventurers" using mountain climbing equipment to traverse the ceiling of a temple and rip off some sort of treasure from a cult. To pad the film we cut to the cult and its rituals that drag on and on. Then we cut back to these freakin bozos dangling from ropes and trying not to touch the floor and other such nonsense. I think the whole temple explodes at the end. Like I said, crap. Still, much amusement is to be had from the obvious enthusiasm the filmmakers had for their super-cool 3-D camera. What seems like hours of screen time are gobbled up with actors pointing any objects they can find straight into the camera for "that 3-D effect." They stick all kinds of stupid shit in your face, candles, spearguns, knives, torches, rocks, and a whole bunch of mountain climbing equipment including coils of rope. What lamebrain said to himself, "Hey let's exploit this 3-D technology by shoving coils of rope in the audience's face." At least near the end we get some stiff snakes striking at us and an assortment of Indiana Jones-type temple traps that jut out at expected moments. Lots of darts and flying daggers and bats on strings. A guy who looks like Jeffery Jones gets stabbed by a limp sword trap and it's fun to watch his wound disappear between shots. Other laughs are had by seeing star Tony Anthony (Doesn't that make him Tony Tony?) dangle inverted from his rope and watching his hair hang in his eyes and his face swell up and turn red. He looks truly uncomfortable and its all for naught because it looks silly. If you seek daft and tedious nonsense this is your E-ticket to satisfaction.
w this in a theatre. I have vague recollections of dragging my poor Grandfather to see it and being horribly embarassed by by it even though I was only about 14 or 15 ... But these "memories" may only be "anticipations" I had because on some level I knew it was a crap film and that I was doing Graddaddy a huge disservice by making him watch it. Maybe I only saw it on cable. Who cares. Its stupid. Awesome cover art though. Check out the scan. And by the way that scene really isn't in the movie. The majority of the "action" involves a handful of "adventurers" using mountain climbing equipment to traverse the ceiling of a temple and rip off some sort of treasure from a cult. To pad the film we cut to the cult and its rituals that drag on and on. Then we cut back to these freakin bozos dangling from ropes and trying not to touch the floor and other such nonsense. I think the whole temple explodes at the end. Like I said, crap. Still, much amusement is to be had from the obvious enthusiasm the filmmakers had for their super-cool 3-D camera. What seems like hours of screen time are gobbled up with actors pointing any objects they can find straight into the camera for "that 3-D effect." They stick all kinds of stupid shit in your face, candles, spearguns, knives, torches, rocks, and a whole bunch of mountain climbing equipment including coils of rope. What lamebrain said to himself, "Hey let's exploit this 3-D technology by shoving coils of rope in the audience's face." At least near the end we get some stiff snakes striking at us and an assortment of Indiana Jones-type temple traps that jut out at expected moments. Lots of darts and flying daggers and bats on strings. A guy who looks like Jeffery Jones gets stabbed by a limp sword trap and it's fun to watch his wound disappear between shots. Other laughs are had by seeing star Tony Anthony (Doesn't that make him Tony Tony?) dangle inverted from his rope and watching his hair hang in his eyes and his face swell up and turn red. He looks truly uncomfortable and its all for naught because it looks silly. If you seek daft and tedious nonsense this is your E-ticket to satisfaction.***
SEARCH AND DESTROY (Fruet, 1979) plus THE GLOVE (Hagen, 1979): Last night's double-feature came p
re-packaged as an "experience" complete with concession-stand ads and admonishments against smoking in the theatre ("do it in the lobby!"). I guess because GRINDHOUSE was such a huge money-maker and people yearn for similar experiences at home. I KNOW I DO!
re-packaged as an "experience" complete with concession-stand ads and admonishments against smoking in the theatre ("do it in the lobby!"). I guess because GRINDHOUSE was such a huge money-maker and people yearn for similar experiences at home. I KNOW I DO! Anyway SEARCH AND DESTROY is a decent if somewhat uneventful early "Nam vet" actioner with Perry King being stalked by an old ARVN rival of his that got jacked in Nam and has a big chip on his shoulder over it. Movie gets of to a start in the tone of a slasher flick with a faceless killer offing random dudes we quickly discover were all in the same platoon together 10 years earlier. In short order the mystery is revealed and we pretty much wait for the Killer Gook to motivate Perry to get off his ass and finish what he started back in the war. Although a bit tiresome and shot without much flair, the theme and tone are very satisfying and really push the whole "this war just never ends, does it" thing. Middle act feels tepid as it lacks the mystery of "who is the killer" and feels by-the-numbers, but third act is a doozy when Perry breaks out his old Swedish-K and takes the fight to the aggressor. Perry convinces good-humored cop George Kennedy to shadow him as he uses himself for bait to draw the bad guy out, but when the cops prove ineffective, Perry chases the killer into the woods and shoots it out with him and the cops can do little but tell the populace they "have the fighting contained." Film goes out on an anticlimactic, quiet note that honestly was a great decision and benefitted the film as a whole, as it was completely unexpected.
THE GLOVE is another affair altogether. If the star hadn't been John Saxon I don't know if I'd have made it all the way through. Its always nice to see Saxon, especially given a lead role, even in nonsense like this. The whole thing feels like nothing more than a TV pilot film about an everyman bounty hunter (Saxon) behind on his child-support and saddled with nickel-and-dime jobs that get him nowhere. Music, framing, pace, location and conveniently-expository voiceover all lend to the impression this was a potential series that never got off the ground and was dumped on the Texas drive-in circuit out of desperation. Its even the exact length of a "2 hour" pilot film that could be chopped in half for syndication. I'd have called it SKIP TRACER and put a 70's style announcement over the start saying "tonight's episode: THE GLOVE."
The plot concerns big fat Rosey Grier beating the tar out of a bunch of ex-prison guards for reasons unknown, and using a big metal "riot glove" to do it. Strangely this glove seems capable of knocking car doors off their hinges and flattening roofs and panelling but every person he beats with it survives the affair (although pictures of the victims humorously elicit incredulous gasps from characters who ask if the people pictured are alive or dead). Now if we could have just focused on this plotline the movie would have been more tolerable than it turned out. Instead we meander through Saxon's life as a two-bit hustler with a penchant for "making sucker bets" and seeming incredulity over why his ex-wife is mad at him for not paying child support "for six months." This balding sad sack smells easy street one day when the bounty on Rosey's head is announced to be 20 grand, so after an unrelated series of grabs by Saxon (an old lady, a dude in a butcher shop, a gay guy), the plot restarts in time to give Rosey a backstory (Jazz buff, cool guy) and shove him and Saxon face-to-face in a climactic fistfight that ends in a draw. Fate intervenes in the form of a near-forgotten earlier subplot and Rosey gets offed after all by a rival bounty hunetr putting the squeeze on Saxon for a cut of the reward. This jerkoff is satisfyingly beaten to death in a surprising frenzy of racial violence by the residents of Rosey's tenement, one of them using a mop to break his neck! Then there is a fade to black (clearly to accomodate a commercial break) and the deneument voiceover wraps things up in a nice ribbon plotwise. I honestly expected an announcer to say "next week on The Glove, special guest star Bill Bixby."
While not an utter washout, THE GLOVE is pretty dire. Its spiced up a bit by a hilarious theme song and an even more hilarious "performance" by Joanna "Blade Runner" Cassidy who is very hot in a MILFy kind of way but bereft of dramatic talent in any form. I think Keenan Wynn shows up as a Bail Bondsman in one scene and was probably disappointed the series never took off and provided him with his cameo-of-the-week paycheck. End credit music makes the viewer think he has been watching some kind of weepy romantic melodrama, with lyrics about the "power of love" and such. Back in the day I predict theatre owners suffered a rash of slashed seats after this one.
posted by figurebuilder at 9:37 AM
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