Stuff from 11/4 that needs addressing
WARRIOR OF THE LOST WORLD (Worth, 1983) is an extremely silly movie but at least it has Robert Ginty in it. Pretty much a ROAD WARRIOR ripoff only the lead character is even more of a selfish asshole than Mad Max. I actually got angry at the character for being such an asshat all the time. Plus he drives a stupid motorcycle that talks, which is an odious enough idea already, but its voice is something of a valley girl "Simon" that repeats grating phrases like "Tubular, dude!" three times in a row.
THUNDER WARRIOR (DeAngelis, 1983) is a FIRST BLOOD knockoff with an Indian in the lead role which is kinda cool I suppose, even if Mark Gregory isn't exactly a Native American. Charmingly silly and having no pretentions towards anything other than showing slow motion explosions and reminding the audience of other films (especially BILLY JACK), I dug it, and Gregory, God bless his talentless heart, is a scream in almost anything.
FINAL MISSION (Santiago, 1984) has to be one of the most riotous movies ever seen. I think it is more successful in copying FIRST BLOOD than Adrian Lyne was remaking PSYCHO in 1998. Oddly it gets off to a start setting up the familiar narrative of THE PUNISHER, ie, battle-hardened Nam vet returns home only to have his family murdered by the Mob, upon whom he swears vengeance that he carries out post haste. Somewhere near the halfway mark our man Deacon stumbles across the crooks who offed his family, conveniently all in the same car, which he blows up. I had to check my watch because surely this movie was not less than an hour long. But I needn't have worried, because sooner than you can say "two for one" Deacon is targeted by the (now dead) villain's Local Yokel Sherriff brother for disturbing the peace (amongst other offences likely to include 'civil apocalypse making') and before he can apprehend his target, Deacon has stolen from a shop window a fully-loaded M60 (in the movie they call it an MG 82) and proceeded to blow the living shit out of the whole ville. Did I mention the shop window had a fully loaded M60 on display? Soon the Sheriff has rounded up a posse of local militia and chased Deacon into the mountains where some guerilla warfare stuff happens. Honestly you can just FF a half hour at this point and cherish your memories of FIRST BLOOD because the 2 films play out almost the same, complete with an 11th hour appearance of Deacon's old C.O. from Nam who tries to talk him off the mountain. Luckily for us the screenwriters were feeling cranky and threw in a wonderfully apocalyptic "Chinese Connection" ending that ends with Deacon unloading his weapon straight into our FACES. This movie was frankly awesome and bolstered by a bizarre score that veers from plodding to frantic but is always atonal and sounds like it was composed by a cat.
BROTHERHOOD OF DEATH (Berry, 1976) I rented mostly for its Namsploitation elements, which did not disappoint. Sometimes I wonder if I watch Nam flicks to make myself feel smart when pointing out all the innacuracies in uniform and weapons. Whatever, pleasure is where you find it I guess. The Nam sequences are a real hoot and all the guys run around with big hair and mustaches and the like and wear outdated duckhunter camo from WW2. Their chief lesson learned seems to be "the best defense is a good offense" and we spend the next hour waiting for them to get around to applying this lesson in their battle with the local Klan chapter. A great deal of time is gobbled up with a failed attempt at a voting drive in attempts to get a seat in congress to challenge Whitey but when this goes tits-up we get to some solid fun with our boys ripping the Klan a new one, only like, in the dark, so its hard to see what's going on. I was glad for all the white sheets at least but our heroes sadly offered no contrast with their surroundings.
YOR THE HUNTER FROM THE FUTURE (Margheriti, 1983) is silly claptrap from start to finish but it has big fake dinosaurs that bleed a LOT and also Corinne Clery in a teeny little cavegirl outfit. Reb Brown is a prancing fawn in this whose mullet apparently substitutes for any need he has for a shirt. Frequent buffalo shots of both sexes keep the proceedings snicker-filled for its target audience which appears to be 12 year old boys who did not see CONAN because it was rated R. A riot.
TREASURE OF THE AMAZON (Cardona, 1985) ... What can I say about this, except that it BLEW ME AWAY! What a total surprise. I bought it solely because it was on sale for a dollar and had a "why not" moment. The cover is lousy and looks like a cheap knockoff of ROMANCING THE STONE complete with buff shirtless bozo and prostrate bimbo hanging on to his bronze thigh while behind them a bas relief of a monkey statue vomits diamonds all over the place. I figured I'd put it on as background noise but in short order it had my full attention, especially when Stuart Whitman cuts a native guy's thumb off for pickpocketing and then throws him over the side of a boat to the alligators. Lots and lots of high adventure follows and the movie refreshingly and shockingly does not skimp on the gore. Heads are lopped off repeatedly and sometimes require more than one chop (!!!), and one guy is eaten alive by crabs who pull his eyes out!!!! Underneath all of this is an unbelievable "love" story between Whitman and a girl young enough to be his granddaughter but it all turns out to be a double-cross for her to make off with the treasure once he finds it. More twists and betrayals follow and the ending had me clapping in honest glee. This is truly one of the better Jungle Action Ripoffs (JARs) and Whitman's beard is very impressively groomed throughout.
THUNDER WARRIOR (DeAngelis, 1983) is a FIRST BLOOD knockoff with an Indian in the lead role which is kinda cool I suppose, even if Mark Gregory isn't exactly a Native American. Charmingly silly and having no pretentions towards anything other than showing slow motion explosions and reminding the audience of other films (especially BILLY JACK), I dug it, and Gregory, God bless his talentless heart, is a scream in almost anything.
FINAL MISSION (Santiago, 1984) has to be one of the most riotous movies ever seen. I think it is more successful in copying FIRST BLOOD than Adrian Lyne was remaking PSYCHO in 1998. Oddly it gets off to a start setting up the familiar narrative of THE PUNISHER, ie, battle-hardened Nam vet returns home only to have his family murdered by the Mob, upon whom he swears vengeance that he carries out post haste. Somewhere near the halfway mark our man Deacon stumbles across the crooks who offed his family, conveniently all in the same car, which he blows up. I had to check my watch because surely this movie was not less than an hour long. But I needn't have worried, because sooner than you can say "two for one" Deacon is targeted by the (now dead) villain's Local Yokel Sherriff brother for disturbing the peace (amongst other offences likely to include 'civil apocalypse making') and before he can apprehend his target, Deacon has stolen from a shop window a fully-loaded M60 (in the movie they call it an MG 82) and proceeded to blow the living shit out of the whole ville. Did I mention the shop window had a fully loaded M60 on display? Soon the Sheriff has rounded up a posse of local militia and chased Deacon into the mountains where some guerilla warfare stuff happens. Honestly you can just FF a half hour at this point and cherish your memories of FIRST BLOOD because the 2 films play out almost the same, complete with an 11th hour appearance of Deacon's old C.O. from Nam who tries to talk him off the mountain. Luckily for us the screenwriters were feeling cranky and threw in a wonderfully apocalyptic "Chinese Connection" ending that ends with Deacon unloading his weapon straight into our FACES. This movie was frankly awesome and bolstered by a bizarre score that veers from plodding to frantic but is always atonal and sounds like it was composed by a cat.
BROTHERHOOD OF DEATH (Berry, 1976) I rented mostly for its Namsploitation elements, which did not disappoint. Sometimes I wonder if I watch Nam flicks to make myself feel smart when pointing out all the innacuracies in uniform and weapons. Whatever, pleasure is where you find it I guess. The Nam sequences are a real hoot and all the guys run around with big hair and mustaches and the like and wear outdated duckhunter camo from WW2. Their chief lesson learned seems to be "the best defense is a good offense" and we spend the next hour waiting for them to get around to applying this lesson in their battle with the local Klan chapter. A great deal of time is gobbled up with a failed attempt at a voting drive in attempts to get a seat in congress to challenge Whitey but when this goes tits-up we get to some solid fun with our boys ripping the Klan a new one, only like, in the dark, so its hard to see what's going on. I was glad for all the white sheets at least but our heroes sadly offered no contrast with their surroundings.
YOR THE HUNTER FROM THE FUTURE (Margheriti, 1983) is silly claptrap from start to finish but it has big fake dinosaurs that bleed a LOT and also Corinne Clery in a teeny little cavegirl outfit. Reb Brown is a prancing fawn in this whose mullet apparently substitutes for any need he has for a shirt. Frequent buffalo shots of both sexes keep the proceedings snicker-filled for its target audience which appears to be 12 year old boys who did not see CONAN because it was rated R. A riot.
TREASURE OF THE AMAZON (Cardona, 1985) ... What can I say about this, except that it BLEW ME AWAY! What a total surprise. I bought it solely because it was on sale for a dollar and had a "why not" moment. The cover is lousy and looks like a cheap knockoff of ROMANCING THE STONE complete with buff shirtless bozo and prostrate bimbo hanging on to his bronze thigh while behind them a bas relief of a monkey statue vomits diamonds all over the place. I figured I'd put it on as background noise but in short order it had my full attention, especially when Stuart Whitman cuts a native guy's thumb off for pickpocketing and then throws him over the side of a boat to the alligators. Lots and lots of high adventure follows and the movie refreshingly and shockingly does not skimp on the gore. Heads are lopped off repeatedly and sometimes require more than one chop (!!!), and one guy is eaten alive by crabs who pull his eyes out!!!! Underneath all of this is an unbelievable "love" story between Whitman and a girl young enough to be his granddaughter but it all turns out to be a double-cross for her to make off with the treasure once he finds it. More twists and betrayals follow and the ending had me clapping in honest glee. This is truly one of the better Jungle Action Ripoffs (JARs) and Whitman's beard is very impressively groomed throughout.
posted by figurebuilder at 1:21 PM
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