SCARECROWS plus THE CHILDREN 10/31/07

SCARECROWS (Wesley, 1988): Something of a diamond in the rough, and undiscovered treat! I'd never even heard of this thing until it was released on the same day on DVD as THE BURNING. Kind of a post-ALIENS military horror flick. Plot has on-the-run Spec Ops thieves fleeing in a stolen airplane with $3 mil in loot. One guy stabs the others in the back and bails out over the sticks with the money and the others must land and pursue him. Trouble is, there are spooky SCARECROWS hanging (har har har) around, intent on replacing their lost body parts with new ones gleaned from the cast. Attrition follows.

Movie manages to drum up a high level of tension and atmosphere and after a dodgy first half filled with too much wandering and seeking we finally get a decent gorefest with lots of chasing and a fairly quick clip. Lots and lots of unexpected dismemberments and beheadings and the like. Plenty of weapons fire and a high percentage of night vision shots which must have seemed tres moderne in 1988. Best sequence involves the team acquiring their traitorous ex-buddy only to discover his entrails have been removed and replaced with all the filthy lucre ... Which is odd considering he is still walking around and whatnot. Not even dismembering him shuts him up and they have to put his head in a freezer!!!

THE CHILDREN (Kalmanowicz, 1980): God how I loathe drive-in fare from the years 1976-1980, mostly because everything I've seen from that era just feels made for TV, only with the added bonus of a couple bare boobs and a few swear words like "hand job" such as heard in this one. It was a real struggle resisting the urge to fast forward through this one but since I doubted there would be any "good parts" to fast forward TO ... I just stuck with it. Super lame and dated affair has a bunch of little pukes with Dorothy Hamill haircuts getting irradiated and hugging their parents to death, resulting in scary papier machiee fright masks and yellow smoke that looks noxious. It does have some admittedly awesome child death scenes, including one blown off a flight of stairs by a shotgun blast, and several of them get their hands chopped off by a Samurai sword whose presence may have been motivated but it escapes me now just how it got there. Anyway the hand-chopping looks UTTERLY PHONY but at least the notion is cool. This movie is pretty much CHILDREN OF THE DAMNED, only lame. The kids look like they are having too much fun "being in a movie" and blow near every take with those damn fool grins of theirs. I was happy when they all died instead of getting some bogus eleventh-hour cure. Nope, just kill em. I'd been saying that all along!

Lots of stuff seen in the last couple weeks!

If I ever want to be committed to an asylum, I just need to show people the kind of "I can't make up my mind" schizo movies I watch ... Here's a few I recall seeing of late.

1. ART SCHOOL CONFIDENTIAL (Zwigoff, 2006), Funny when satirizing the pretentiousness of the artistic impulse, lame when trying to be a serial killer farce. Last half is too dark and plot-heavy, first half, breezy and hilarious. Its not that I don't "get it," I just don't like it.

2. WAR BUS (Baldi, 1985), Italian-produced Nam flick about soldiers escorting refugees through Vietnam to safety in an armored school bus. Sadly the film is almost too good ... Its not laughably stupid, but its also not got enough "oomph" to make it memorable. Still, solid actioner played rather straight. Plus, its Nam. Always a good thing.

3. WAR BUS COMMANDO (Ciriaci, 1989), apparently an attempt to seduce viewers into renting a sequel to the "FAMOUS" War Bus, but in reality not related. Not set in Viet Nam, shares none of the characters, I don't even think its got the same crew. Still ... it does have awesome cover art, and stars Mark Gregory from Bronx Warriors! Movie is set in Afghanistan which leads one to believe it is a response to RAMBO III. One thing it shares with War Bus is that it isn't quite crazy enough to be laughable and not awesome enough to really be recommended. Standard actioner fare but Gregory is always a treat.


4. ESCAPE FROM THE BRONX (Castellari, 1983), sequel to BRONX WARRIORS, even better than the original. Gregory on board again, as is his amusing voice dubber. Henry Silva chews it up and spits it out, amazing performance as the bad guy, makes one forget Vic Morrow in the first one ... No Fred Williamson unfortunately, but you do get lots and lots of guys in space suits (!!!) burning people alive with flamethrowers. Wow!!! Gregory wallows in the well-worn trope of the .38 pistol that never runs out of ammo and blows up whatever vehicle he can hit more than once and scream at. Truly bad ass Italianism.

5. ONE DOWN TWO TO GO (Williamson, 1982), directorial effort by Fred Williamson, muddy plot about Hard Black Men trying to collect a gambling debt. Stellar cast wasted in tepid proceedings that go nowhere. Jim Kelly given little to do but "be injured" and be a maguffin that the other guys avenge. Richard Roundtree starts out being the main character but disappears when Fred shows up half an hour in, after the padding of a Karate Tournament wraps up. Boy is that a long first act, too ... Whew. Fred is awesome as usual and has great lines like "You might be an expert in Kung Fu but I'm an expert in Gun Fu!" Jim Brown plays his stout confederate and they take on shady white criminal types. Ludicrous shootout at the end is reminiscent of satirical similar scenes from I'M GONNA GIT YOU SUCKA and POLICE SQUAD; good guys on one side, bad guys on another, spaced about 15 feet apart, neither side with cover. WTF! It was staged like a game of PONG. Sorry Fred but you blew it.

6. PLANET TERROR (Rodriguez, 2007), its awesome, but you know what its about already. Praising this is about as unique as saying "I dig air" or "Food will satisfy you if you are hungry." Why bother. Watched it twice, plan to purchase.

7. 2019: AFTER THE FALL OF NEW YORK (Martino, 1983), a solidly entertaining example of post-nuke Italianism, provides abundant cheap thrills for all lovers of THE ROAD WARRIOR, ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK, and SNOW WHITE AND THE SEVEN DWARFS. Michael Sopkiw is a champion car gladiator in the post-nuke wasteland until he gets compelled to ESCAPE INTO NEW YORK and retrieve the last fertile woman on the planet. Oh yeah it also anticipates CHILDREN OF MEN, I forgot that part. Anyway he infiltrates NYC, runs afoul of a tribe of rat eaters (who despressingly kill rats onscreen in true 'I don't give a shit' Italian fashion), and eventually stumbles onto the object of the search who is in suspended animation in a glass coffin and a sheer nightie (thus the R rating). Oh yeah but not before also encountering, I shit you not, a bunch of evolved monkeys who want to put him on trial, yes that's right, this even knocks off PLANET OF THE APES! The always fun George Eastman plays the leader of the monkey gang and turns into a good guy and eventually the whole affair turns into a big chase in a station wagon. I love the literal-minded Italians and their 'imitation cinema,' if they don't imitate the themes, they at least provide the same cars from the more-famous movies.

8. INVASION FORCE (Prior, 1990), it might as well have a title card at the beginning stating "We made this exclusively to sell to late night cable and less-discriminating video stores." Monumentally cheap and dumb and by-the-numbers, almost as bad as those action scripts I wrote as an undergrad. A grand total of one recognizable face, Richard Lynch probably annihilated the budget just by showing up, but the movie survives as a result. Amusingly the film seems to be trying to coat-tail INVASION U.S.A. (itself a ripoff of RED DAWN) by promising a "renegade Army Colonel" played by Lynch (who starred in Invasion USA) leading terrorists in a homeland invasion. Sadly their plans prove as insipid as their inspiration (which if one recalls was a couple of old pickup trucks painted black, and a LAW rocket launcher that was repeatedly firable and used on that stronghold of America, the suburbs). Invasion FORCE has a motley crew of ill-equipped douches "parachuting" (read: jumping in from frame left and rolling around a bit) into the strategically-important middle of BFE, USA ... Quite literally out in the woods East of L.A. Their "army" is rarely seen more than five-in-a-row, their "General" seems not to be aware that he goes on every single mission but does nothing, and they all (surprise) get their asses handed to them by a film crew shooting an action movie with BLANKS. Then out of nowhere Lynch is blown up by a C-4 charge and one wishes the same level of mayhem had been present throughout, as opposed to a limping final gag designed to push the audience out of the theatre with a smile on their face even though the film definitely never saw the inside of ANY theatre. Sad sad sad, and criticizing it makes me feel like I kicked a sick puppy.

9. AMERICAN COMMANDOS (Suarez, 1985), one of those pictures that really makes sitting through the other junk worth every minute, is an amazing thing of beauty. This movie's all OVER the place! It promises an appearance ('performance' is pushing it) by Chris 'son of Robert' Mitchum and none other than John Philip Law!!!! I bought this for one penny on Amazon but having seen it I can honestly say I'd have paid a thousand times that much for it. This one is three, AT LEAST three, movies in one. It starts out as a knockoff of DEATH WISH (although at this point it probably thinks its ripping off THE EXTERMINATOR) with Mitchum hunting down and vigilanting the thugs and 'junkies' who killed his family. This plotline runs out of steam at the half hour mark so in come some CIA spooks who conscript Mitch into undercover service to infiltrate the Golden Triangle in Vietnam and destroy the heroin network at its source! Mitch hooks up with war buddy Law (now a spook of a different kind and mixed up with Interpol) and they gather up the old platoon and start blasting on gooks again. But this time they're going to WIN, and for insurance they bring along a truck from THE ROAD WARRIOR and a motorcycle with a KNIGHT RIDER theme that shoots rockets!!!! As they tear ass along the road and blow fools up left and right, I kept wondering when they were gonna quit jerking around in SoCal and get to NAM already, but then I saw the extras in the paper Coolie hats and blue jeans and hysterically realized they'd been in NAM for most of the movie! (Boy there sure are a lot of California license plates in NAM). See this at all costs. Law is awesome and honestly has more chops here than I have ever seen, plus he gets to yell and shoot a machine gun from the roof of the truck and blow up the same "village hut" about ten times in the course of an hour. I loved this movie.

10. HIGH VELOCITY (Kramer, 1976), actioner has mercenaries Ben Gazzara and his bugfuck partner Paul Winfield trying to rescue raving corporate chief Keenan Wynn from unnamed South American terrorists. Nationality of the extras is hard to pin down as they appear to be a mixture of Mexicans and Fillipinos, with maybe one Vietnamese thrown in for good measure. Strong performances and a bummer "Wild Bunch" tone of last-mission-blues highlight this nihilistic, unknown piece. Amazing ending is perfect for a post-Watergate, don't-trust-the-man, I-did-it-my-way film intent on making the viewer feel guilty about being privileged and white and American. Carries an astonishing "PG" rating one could only find in the 1970s where apparently the print had to come down and actually kill the audience in order to get an "R."

11. THE PRIZE OF PERIL (Boisset, 1983), a real French stunner about the ultimate game show where the contestant fights for his life. The source novel for this predates King's RUNNING MAN and this film predates the Arnold film as well. An insistent score keeps things moving along nicely and the hero is likeably frantic in that what-have-I-gotten-myself-into kind of way. Like King's novel, the contest is uncontained and takes place in the city streets as "Hunters" track down the contestants and then grinningly pose for pictures with their corpses. Michel "Diabolik" Piccoli predates Richard Dawson as the always-cheerful host who happily hands out "a thousand dollars" to contestants' widows and congratulates them through their sobs on their windfalls. Runners must simply survive a set time limit to win, but our main guy breaks the rules and eventually starts fighting back in scenes that made me cheer out loud to the dismay of my cat. Very satisfying stuff, feels kind like NETWORK if Friedkin had directed it for Roger Corman.

12. THE LEGEND OF N!&&ER CHARLEY (Goldman, 1972), "Blaxploitation Western" with early performance by Fred Williamson, sadly little more than a curiosity piece based on the inflammatory title.

13. THE SOUL OF N!&&ER CHARLEY (Spangler, 1973), sequel, a big step forward from the previous entry, bolstered by the theme that young children worship Charley as a superhero whose reputation has spread across the lawless west as a fearless do-gooder who will stomp Whitey if need be. Fred even gets Whitey's woman in this one, despite his penchant for attempting to perform emotions instead of just look cool and smoke all the time like he does in his later movies. He's kinda weepy and self-righteous here but at least there's a big bloody shootout near the end and the tone is rather grim despite the misguided efforts to appeal to a younger set. I guess the makers knew that even with an "R" rating, the target audience would probably not be leaving the kids at home so why not entertain them too while Mommy makes out with her new boyfriend.

10/10/07: BRONX WARRIORS, Italian Cop stuff too!

1990: THE BRONX WARRIORS (Castellari, 1982)

FINALLY got to see this all the way through ... Pretty much worth it too. Not a great movie by any stretch, but most definitely hilarious and worth seeing again.

Things got off to a rocky start, but it was my fault, as I mistakenly was expecting things "to get started," but after about 40 minutes I accepted that there really wasn't any plot to follow. "Its just a lot of stuff that happened," as a wise man once said. A series of events. I'd call it a character piece, but that too would be inaccurate, unless character TYPES were considered (Bad Guy, Hero, Cop, Biker 2). Its a lot of fun seeing not-dead-yet Vic Morrow cackle maniacally and "be evil," and unmissable to see Mark Gregory try out those fancy "walk masculinely" lessons he got on set. (Spoiler: they didn't take.) High point is Fred Williamson in his role as "Duke of New Y ... er KING OF THE BRONX." Come to think of it, the whole thing is just a knockoff of ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK, which is weird because the DVD is marketed as a "Post Apocalyptic" movie but there is no apocalypse to speak of. But Fred has some good moves in this and has a costume that is reminiscent of Cyclops from the X-men, so that's cool. Plus, atypically, he gets killed at the end, a rarity.

Hysterical dialogue results in lines like "That sounds like a pile of shit from my asshole!" and "You are the biggest son of a bitch in the world!"

Most of the production design and costumes are far above-average here, but that might be because ROAD WARRIOR hasn't come along yet and gayed-up costume design thereafter. Not that this movie lacks gayness in any way. One of the main dudes looks exactly like Freddie Mercury, and his tear-stained death scene in Gregory's arms is a thing of beauty. Female lead is window dressing for the straight kids in the audience, as Gregory pays her lip service as being "his woman" but shows little real interest in her throughout. Shocking ending results in majority of the cast buying it in the 3rd act, and Gregory perfuncorily drags Morrow's grappling-hook-impaled body through the streets Mogadishu-style behind his motorcycle, while most everybody else is dead. Strangely, there exists a sequel, cleverly titled ESCAPE FROM THE BRONX, which would seem imperative.

***

Other movies viewed recently, in my "Italian Cop" visitation:

STREET LAW (Castellari, 1974): vigilante picture, knockoff of DEATH WISH starring Franco Nero. Nero is a stud, make no mistake, and gets a lot of props for doing a lot of obviously-dangerous stunts, most impressive being outrunning a Mustang in slow-motion. Very nice. Great bloody ending reminiscent of the sniper scene in FULL METAL JACKET. One guy gets impaled by a forklift. Hey! That's Italian!

THE BIG RACKET (Castellari, 1976): Fabio Testi gets rolled down a hill while stuck inside a car. Amazing scene. Italians are crazy. BRAVO! Hilarious dubbing refuses to include swear words and constantly substitutes the word "diddly" for "shit," resulting in corkers like "I'm going to beat the diddly out of you!" and "You dirty basket!" Otherwise, standard cop fare laced with sadism typical to the era, genre.

CONTRABAND (Fulci, 1980): I might end up buying this one. Astonishing stuff. Typical of Fulci, rape, torture, and bloody mutilation strain the seams, leaving little room for anything else. Revenger has Fabio Testi seeking the rival gangsters who killed his brother in an attempt to take over his cigarette racket and use it to smuggle "drugs" instead. He's having none of it and Fulciness ensues. Utterly gorgeous lead actress maintains her dignity until the third act when the bad guys kidnap her and rape her up to motivate Testi to quit, but they end up motivating him instead to WALLOP THEIR EVIL BUTTS. With a shotgun. Fucking awesome, highly recommended.

Tonight: anticipate 2019: AFTER THE FALL OF NEW YORK. Might just play Star Wars Battlefront instead though.

10/8/07: INVADERS OF THE LOST GOLD, NEW BARBARIANS, DEADLY MISSION,CODENAME WILDGEESE, RAIDERS OF ATLANTIS, DEATH DIMENSION

10/5 - 10/8/07 weekend incl. INVADERS OF THE LOST GOLD!

Got to write these down before I forget I ever watched them!

1990 THE BRONX WARRIORS, actually only got to see about 15 minutes before the damned DVD stopped playing ... Looked good though, can't wait to see the rest, especially considering Fred Williamson seems to die at the end, and that is something of a rarity. Also looking forward to seeing more of the lead "Mark Gregory," who is impossibly swishy and flamboyant.

NEW BARBARIANS (Castellari, 1982)

... not to be confused with NEW GLADIATORS! Lots of great violence in this ROAD WARRIOR ripoff ... Fred Williamson shoots Rambo arrows into dudes' necks and their heads explode! There's also a gun that shoots explosive bullets causing fake torsos to blast apart every now and then. George Eastman plays a warlord who later turns out to be some kind of militant gay who 'subjugates' post-nuke refugees by sodomizing them (!!!). The rest of the movie seems to be a contest as to who can sport the biggest shoulder pads. Seriously. Its crazy. What function to those serve? The people wearing them look like extras from the 1980 FLASH GORDON!

DEADLY MISSION (Castellari, 1978)

... really great Italian WW2 actioner starring ... a guy whose initials are FW. Turns out this is actually INGLORIOUS BASTARDS under a different title! Thrilling knockoff of DIRTY DOZEN only this one has a bevy of naked German frauleins shooting MP40s in one scene. Top THAT. This movie deserves a lot more written about it but I can't be bothered. Turns out I had a copy for years under a third title, GI BRO!Loads and loads of groovy model work.

Speaking of model work ... CODENAME WILDGEESE (Margheriti, 1984)

... is really exceptionally entertaining. Its up there with GOLD RAIDERS as my most-satisfying 25 cent purchase. Ernest Borgnine spends the majority of his scenes looking tired and sitting down. Lee Van Cleef does not look well at all and they couldn't even show him getting in or out of a helicopter ... I guess he needed a little help. They just pan over and he starts to walk away from the cockpit like he just got out of it. Anyway, totally NOT a sequel to THE WILD GEESE ... Although it does have mercenaries in it. Totally awesome set pieces with miniatures, one sequence with a gravity-defying sports car driving ALONG a tunnel wall, the other a real showstopper with a fragile-looking helicopter attacking a camp and raining napalm down on Klaus Kinski's head! Seriously ... AWESOME ending.

RAIDERS OF ATLANTIS (Deodato, 1983)

... Disappointing. Very silly and uneventful knockoff of THE ROAD WARRIOR by Ruggero Deodato. I still can't quite suss out what the plot was all about ... I think Atlantis raises, but then a bunch of biker trash attack our band of heroes, and I couldn't quite decide if Atlantis was controlling Earthbound bikers to do bad things, or if they WERE Atlanteans, only appearing on "Earth," or if our heroes were supposed to be ON Atlantis??? Whatever, it was stupid anyway. Awesome box art though. It looks like Ryan O'neal dressed as up Rambo!

DEATH DIMENSION (Adamson, 1978)

DEATH DIMENSION, "starring" Jim Kelly and his afro, delivers incredible pleasure to lovers of truly awful, awful films. It stinks of cheapness from beginning to end, and has all the production value of a Chest Rockwell movie. I honestly do believe they had a limited amount of film stock because they seem to have been perfectly fine shooting everything in one take, including the fight scenes (which could REALLY have benefitted from some editing and choreography ... and people who can actually fight). I mean its just shockingly stupid and lame from the get-go. Harold Sakata, amusingly credited as Harold "Odd Job" Sakata (which is sorta like always reminding the audience that Russ Tamblyn was "from West Side Story"), is painfully slow in his fight scenes where he is shown "beating up" Kelly ... Which is confusing as he is obviously a very strong and musclebound kinda guy. His arms look like barrels! Seriously, he's huge. But man, S-L-O-W. What's supposed to be a climactic throwdown ends up resembling two old men playing charades. Its real sad. There's a big fight too with a helicopter menacing a cable car, and a couple guys shoot uselessly at each other with .38s across the gorge between them! What a freakin waste of time. I won't even describe the last minute ... Must be seen to be believed, but let's just say it involves 1) another .38, 2) a Piper airplane, 3) stock footage of an explosion, and 4) hasty editing. And then Jim Kelly does a flying kick into the audience's FACE! Take THAT, audience!

INVADERS OF THE LOST GOLD (Birkinshaw, 1982)

The creme de la creme of shit jungle action flicks surely must be INVADERS OF THE LOST GOLD (aka HORROR SAFARI!). "Part CANNIBAL HOLOCAUST and part RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK!" exclaims the box, but this is a LIE. Although the distributor can be forgiven this transgression, as deception would seem the only viable way to get this stinker out of the warehouse. Which, of course, makes it AWESOME. OK not really. Again "starring" Sakata, he is joined by an aged and wobbly Woddy Strode and a boozy Stuart Whitman. You know you are in trouble when the best performance comes from STUART WHITMAN of all people. Story involves inept adventurers trying to recover lost Jap gold from its jungle hiding place, each one dropping dead at the merest hint of danger. One guy gets eaten by a crocodile but the effect is achieved ENTIRELY through editing (and is super lame). Another guy falls off a rope bridge but when we see his body laying there it looks like he only fell about 6 feet. One bozo gets bit by a snake. And Laura Gemser is rewarded for showing her cute butt and boobies by spontaneously dropping dead for no given reason. Its utterly bizarre and one is forced to wonder if she did not simply leave the set one day and the director decided to try and depict a death scene (which does not work at all and seems incongruous), with other characters later pondering "what happened to her?" No explanation is ever given and it remains a mystery. Topping matters off is the fact this is hands down the single worst print of a film I have ever seen, PERIOD, and continuity questions are muddied further by the possibility we could just be missing a few vital, revelatory frames (which does seem to be the case with Gemser's bathing scene, which skips around a bit any time she threatens to turn around and reveal more than PG-rated nudity). This print is a NIGHTMARE, dirty, nay, FILTHY, and scratched up throughout, missing the ends of sentences and littered with jumpcuts and myriad arcane scribblings that must have meant an awful lot of something to a score of international projectionists. Several frames have big "X's" through them, some have squiggles, some have squares drawn in random places ... Its bizarre and mystifying. I loved it, especially the process of trying to decipher just what was occurring (whenever "action" accurred that is). Hell, at one point I was convinced Sakata had just died, but it was just some other guy instead. Scenes shift exposures back and forth, creating the impression of moving from day to night and back again, and the music swells at some of the lamest and most uneventful occurences.

Lost gold? This movie is PURE gold.

10/3/07: NEW GLADIATORS

NEW GLADIATORS (Fulci, 1984)

No surprise, Lucio Fulci's NEW GLADIATORS is kinda mediocre. It gets off to a decent enough start, has a good cast, great locations (when they use them), and some fun model effects work. Good premise too, involving competing networks attempting to one-up each other by providing the most bloodthirsty shows they can. One does "Kill Bike" which should be self-explanatory (hint: it involves bikes, and killing) while the other does "Battle of the Damned," a recreation of the classical gladiator theme of forcing convicts to fight each other in an arena.

Sadly, there really isn't enough gladiating in this thing. The second act gets sidetracked early on trying to imitate ROLLERBALL's subplots of supercomputers and warring corporations ... Apparently nobody infomed Fulci that 1) ROLLERBALL was not exactly a big hit, and 2) its subplots were likely to blame for this. Still, when the fighting gets going, its very satisfying, and there's plenty of bloody mayhem on hand even if the editing leaves things a bit muddled at times. Its hard to tell really what the rules of engagement are ... But who cares when a guy gets decapitated while riding a motorcycle!

Oh yeah, Fred Williamson is in it. Boy we don't see him around too much do we. He has a cool scene during the big motorcycle chariot race at the end where an opponent gets dragged behind a bike and Fred takes the opportunity to shoot the poor schlub with a flamethrower (!!!), and his charred smoking corpse does a couple more laps as a bumper accessory. Gotta love Fulci.

Movie gets a lot of points for also imitating BLADE RUNNER, another famous commercial failure that makes one wonder where Fulci was getting his intel from. Most of the BR details are surface only ... Lots of "future" cityscapes with video screens on buildings and shot with fake-looking models, flying cars that look like Spinners, even a dorky "happy ending" where the main guy and gal drive off to sunnier climes from the always-dark metropolis! End credit music stolen from BR too ... And we wonder why the Italian film industry isn't around any more ...

10/3/07: VIOLENT CITY

VIOLENT CITY, made in 1970 by Sergio "Big Gundown" Sollima, and starring Charles Bronson and his smokin hot wifey Jill Ireland and her body double, was not released in the States until 1973, in order to piggyback THE GODFATHER. Known in this form as THE FAMILY, it was (as typical) cut by about 20 minutes ... And if judging the recent Blue Underground DVD is any indication, I probably would have preferred the shorter one! The majority of the cut scenes are unnecessary character scenes that belabor certain points ... Namely that Chuck Bronson is A VERY HARD MAN. But do we really need to see a spider crawl across his hand for five minutes to get this point?

That being said, the movie is freakin GREAT. Really wonderful Morricone score permeates almost the whole thing, and it is filled with crazy violence that is beautifully staged and artfully shot. It reminds one of POINT BLANK meets THE KILLER, the latter mostly because both films involve a hitman named Jeff who falls in love and wants to go straight. It also recalls DAY OF THE JACKAL with its patient attention to the process of paid assassination.

The movie is punctuated by lengthy showstopping action set pieces ... A car chase at the beginning (and obvious inspiration for a scene from DRIVER 3 if you ask me) climaxes in a sadistic fiery gunbattle ... The shooting of a race car driver results in his car catapulting off the track, through a brick wall, and into a populated street!!! The finale in an elevator reminds us of both Hitchcock and Argento in equal measure. Oh yeah and did I mention that Jill Ireland is an uber babe? Too bad her body double got more screen time than she did ... A real shame.

10/02/07: MORE QUARTER PLUNDER

BONUS! Here are some of the movies I got for a quarter a couple weeks ago ... The ones I've watched at least. There's tons I haven't viewed yet!

MAD DOG (Grieco, 1977): Alternate title for Helmet Berger-starrer aka BEAST WITH A GUN. Yummy Marisa "Diabolik" Mell costars and provides an awful lot of Fan Appreciation. Incredible, delirious music compliments a sadistic streak a mile wide in this one. I adore movies where the main character is an unredeemable slimebag. And a rapist and murderer too!

SHOOT (Hart, 1976): Weirdo Canadian psychodrama with Cliff Robertson who has a rather unhealthy romantic relationship with guns. The scenes where he oils his rifle are straight out of a gay porno. A bunch of yahoo hunters stumble across another group of yahoos in the woods and mutually open fire on each other, seemingly out of frustration over no deer in the area. "All dressed up with nowhere to blow" seems to be the theme. Remainder of the film has our group's escalating paranoia driving them to seek a rematch, only with vastly superior firepower. Trouble is, they suspect the other group is doing the same. But ... are they?

THE FINAL OPTION (Sharp, 1982): British actioner about the 1980's terror-busting SAS! Lots of Bond franchise talent on-hand give this one the feeling of a more sober Bond without all the shenanigans. More of a sedate espionage thriller, but featuring a knockout climax based of the true Iranian embassy siege in London in 1980. Dig gas masks and MP5s? See this.

THE PARK IS MINE (Stern, 1986): the 80s saw this Tommy Lee Jones Nam-vet-on-a-righteous-rampage flick on seemingly unavoidable heavy cable rotation. The thing was as ubiquitous as those awful Old Navy ads with Morgan Fairchild from a couple years back, you just could not stay away from it. Of chief appeal is the film's attempts to make Jones affable and sympathetic when for all intents and purposes he is little more than a pissed-off emasculated White Dude tired of being pushed around by not only The Man but also his Ex Wife. Its difficult to endorse his tactics of mining Central Park and shooting up cop cars with an AK and terrorizing NYC into broadcasting his whining manifestos over all channels. Jones frequently plays it for laughs in attempts at levity but there is no escaping the fact that he is an outright terrorist with no perceivable goals except to "not take any more shit for 72 hours." When he finally gets arrested (but not before an honest-to-God VIET CONG mercenary is dispatched in attempts to 'neutralize him,' the film's strongest sequence), he declares victory at having met his goals. Congrats dude, now go to jail for the rest of your life. Bizarre. (Super Ultra Merit Points to Yaphet Kotto for being an amazing actor in this one.)

10/02/07: VIGILANTE

VIGILANTE (Lustig 1983)

I guess this is some kind of classic, if Lustig is to be believed. Although there is something a bit suspect about a director pimping his old movies as "special editions" through his own damn video label. Still, the film retains a great deal of sleazy power, and more than compensates for several leaps of logic with heaping helpings of grim nihilism.

Basically, this is a knockoff of DEATH WISH. Robert Forster's family gets attacked, leaving his wife traumatized and young son six feet under (and likely buried in a Ziploc baggie judging by the mess the killers make). Outraged at a crooked judge who gives the crook a suspended sentence, Forster throws a fit in court and gets sent to jail for contempt. It seems a bit severe to send a guy to the pen for being upset over his son's murder, but here we are anyway. Forster serves his time and avoids a few toughs who want to "build a deck in his back yard," and Woody Strode gives him a hand. Meanwhile the amazing Fred Williamson is leading a gang of vigilantes who kick six shades of shit out of all the purse snatchers in the hood, and when Forster hits the streets again, he joins up with them.

Interestingly, Forster turns out to be even more hard-nosed than the other vigilantes, and when faced with one of the hoods that hurt his wife, he just up and shoots him in the chest, as his compatriots dazedly look on (probably muttering in their heads "fucking hardcore, man"). Forster proceeds to wipe out the rest of the gang and winds up in a great extended car chase with the dude who shot his kid, who he chases up a water tower and then coldly tosses to his death below. The final and most amazing scene has Forster blowing up the crooked judge in a parking lot and then just driving away --- THE END. Wow.

Allegedly Lustig was forced to add an ending crawl to this scene in order to get the movie released in some countries; it had to state that Forster turned himself in out of guilt and is now in jail. LAME.

Highlights include Forster and Williamson's bang-up performances, the Strode cameo, and an appearance by Joe Spinell as a bent lawyer on the take who pays off the judge. Music by Jay Chattaway, and kudos to him for making it sound like some kind of wild spaghetti western half the time.

9/28/07: WALKING THE EDGE, WHITE GHOST

The trend of forgotten amazingness continues. Last night's fare exceeded even the wildest expectations ... Managed to cram in two features wholly unconnected to each other: Robert Forster in WALKING THE EDGE and William Katt in WHITE GHOST.

WALKING THE EDGE (Meisel, 1983)

EDGE is a brutal revenger about a trodden-upon cabbie/numbers runner who snaps from the pressure and goes on a murder spree after his best friend is killed to death by Joe Spinell and a power drill. It probably has a lot to do with Chinese hottie Nancy Kwan who is on the lam in his pad (after killing a few mobsters of her own) but won't put out. Best line in the movie: "They were Goddamn shooting at me ... with fuckin' bullets!"

WHITE GHOST (BJ Davis, 1988)

GHOST is an amazing collection of Vietnam war film cliches that defies description. Just take one part RAMBO, two parts UNCOMMON VALOR (so long as one of those parts is Reb Brown), a couple pinches of THE PUNISHER, and then blend it with PLATOON and you almost have a good idea what to expect. And that's not even touching the TARZAN elements of the story. Amazing stuff. William Katt has a mullet in this one.

Tonight's fare seems likely to hold the extended DEATH PROOF, GORDON'S WAR from 1972 starring Paul Winfield, and a Russian bootleg workprint of the new Cronenberg film (!!!). (Special thanks to YOU-KNOW-WHO.)

9/25/07: THE ANNIHILATORS

Another in my series of reactions to "The Great Action Movie Quarter Plunder of 2007."

THE ANNIHILATORS (Sellier, 1985)

I wasn't sure I was gonna make it through this one, after the opening crawl informs us we are in "Vietnam" but its clearly just the woods outside L.A. somewhere, and all the soldiers are wearing modern Woodland camo. I somehow got it in my head that "if a film isn't going to take period detail seriously then I ain't gonna watch it," but luckily I got over myself and was treated to the modern marvel that is THE ANNIHILATORS. Briefly, this is a post-FIRST BLOOD, post-DEATH WISH Nam-vets-turned-vigilantes quickie about four war buddies trying to clean up the crime-ridden streets of wherever. L.A., I guess. And along the way they learn important lessons and such.

I bought this one on the strengths of Christopher Stone being in it. He's the guy in THE HOWLING that turns into a werewolf after bonking that babe by the campfire. You know the one. He's also the "Stone" part of Dee Wallace-Stone, the lady who played Elliot's mom in E.T. (and also the main actress in The Howling, which is where they met, I guess). But I digress.

THE ANNIHILATORS is filled to the rim with people who quite simply deserve better. Stone as the leader is a lot of fun to see in a lead role, even if its this silly business. Its always nice to see him in anything because he never drags a project down with a bad attitude (as any lesser man would if he found himself in this kind of movie). The rest of the group are a who's-who of stars who always seem to elicit the reaction of "Really? No kidding!" whenever I mention they are in it. Check this out (and bear in mind these are supposed to be BATTLE-HARDENED NAM VETS): You have Gerrit Graham (Beef from PHANTOM OF THE PARADISE), tying really hard to dial down the femininity; Lawrence-Hilton Jacobs (Washington from WELCOME BACK KOTTER of all things!) taking things really seriously; and what amounted to some kind of casting coup at the time, Andy Wood (from RAMBO as the box proudly declares), whose acting style seems to be "looking a lot like David Bowie, only sleepy." It took me most of the movie to realize that Wood's part in RAMBO was as one of the P.O.W.s! So technically, yes, he was in RAMBO. Kinda.

The movie is loaded with the kind of toxic inanity that would fell a less-committed viewer. Technically inept, filled with obvious and shoddy bounce card work, poor framing, and incoherent editing, the whole thing truly is kept afloat by the eclectic, if underappreciated cast. By-the-numbers story has us fast-forward from "Nam" to the present day of 1985, and the murder-by-meat-tenderizer of one of the old platoon members by baddie Paul Koslo (the dirtbike guy from OMEGA MAN). Revenge must surely ensue, but not before another 86 minutes passes. During this time the vets decide to train the neighborhood residents in self-defense tactics that seem to all rely on hitting people with brooms and then kicking them in the nuts. No one seems to really catch on too well because many more muggings and beatings occur throughout.

Sadly, the grim tone set by the first few minutes dissipates into intermittent attempts at feel-good camaraderie and shows-of-unity that seem inspired by stuff like LEAN ON ME or STAND AND DELIVER, but luckily we are still treated to amazing sequences of Washington's Kung-Fu "prowess" (so good its all in slow motion!), the vets' capture of an ice-cream truck filled with heroin they ALL (!!!) taste to identify, and Graham's noble sacrifice to save a baby from crossfire, replete with mumbled, unintelligible Final Words. (I was astonished they had a straight take of this scene to include in the movie.) In between these high points the viewer can keep himself amused by figuring out how the filmmakers decided to indicate agedness in the characters (hint: it involves white shoe polish in the beard), and revisiting the scene where the vets train the populace that if they are in trouble, they need only give out the secret signal of "rapping hard on something 3 times," which these bozos apparently feel the need to PRACTICE DOING. WTF!

The cast's straight-faced earnestness really makes this thing. Sure, its an enormous POS, but oddly endearing in an embarrassing lowbrow kind of way, and watching these guys see it through to the end is sorta like watching all the slow kids finally finish a 5 mile run a couple hours late. Its how you play the game, man.

9/20/07: GOLD RAIDERS

GOLD RAIDERS (Chalong, 1983)

So about a week ago I went to this video store and they were clearing out their old VHS movies for a dollar. I selected one tape and the clerk tells that "these are a dollar each, but for 2 dollars, you can have as many as you can fit into a grocery bag." GOLD RAIDERS, dear friends, is one of those movies. I don't know how much the .17 cent price tag colored my opinion of it, but this was the surprise of a lifetime, or at the very least, the surprise of an evening home alone in front of the TV.

Holy smokes, amazing movie. Made in Thailand around 1984, this seems to be trying to cash in on RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, what with the silly title and its jungle adventure theme. But all similarities end there, and what the viewer can expect instead is one of the kookiest, most bugf*ck movies EVER MADE. Apparently the filmmakers were deathly afraid of boring their audience, so went to any lengths whatsoever to avoid this ever happening, and when they ran out of their own ideas, they had no trouble borrowing a handful from other, debatably better, movies.

Plot involves token anglo CIA dude (Robert Ginty) and his crew of intrepid Thai adventurers trying to recover some spook gold lost in a plane crash. Along the way they are distracted by an array of the craziest subplots ever committed to celluloid. One sequence involves a fishing trip where these Thai dudes chase and kill a giant fake fish with spears, which plays like a rather cut-rate JAWS extract (and serves no narrative purpose whatsoever, except perhaps to stress that they are REALLY good at fishing for monster fish). Later, while recovering boxes of LOST GOLD from a lake, the heroes are attacked by speargun-wielding scuba divers, and suddenly we find ourselves in the middle of THUNDERBALL ... replete with fun James Bond knockoff score! Furthering the Bond fetish, Ginty later reveals what he's been lugging around in a crate the whole time, an attack motorcycle "that runs on a crystal chamber and never needs gas," but still manages to smoke and fume like its on its last legs. This is no ordinary jungle attack crystal-powered motorcycle, though ... This one has what appears to a pup tent rolled up on it and attached to a frame, so when it is driven off a cliff, the tent unfolds into a hang glider! (And just wait until they attack an enemy camp with the half dozen missiles mounted on the handlebars!) For whatever reasons, the training wheels mounted on the sides are never addressed.

Another wonderful sequence involves a cave system infested with vampire bats that are about 3 feet wide and look like they were left over from FRIGHT NIGHT. Oh. My. God. And don't forget the bit where Ginty drives the super cycle over a gorge while balancing on a thin steel cable! SO TALENTED! I can see why the CIA recruited him because he is UTTERLY DOPE.

What else, what else ... Well, there's the Thai commando who looks a lot like Wayne Newton, who manages to keep his hair feathered even after scuba diving ... There's the hilarious dubbing that makes everyone sound like they are in the same room together, somewhere in Canada (judging by the accents) ... The insistence that the Thai characters, even though dubbed and with Western accents, still use their Thai names, one of which seems to be "Porn" ... The impulse to go all DIRTY DOZEN on us and kill off half the cast in the last 5 minutes, but not before holding off an entire Communist army by blocking one road with a tree stump ... There's even some legitimately good throat-slashings and bullet wounds, and one scene where a dog steals the prosthetic leg of the Communist general and he has to hop around on one foot during the firefight (!!!). Wrapping the whole affair up nicely are the hilariously illegible end credits, written in a hazy yellow and superimposed over a cloudy background scene, and then transferred in the wrong aspect ratio! All while a montage plays that shows all the dead characters' death scenes again! SIMPLY AMAZING.

I can only hope the other selections in my bag are half as good. I have high hopes for THE GREAT SMOKEY ROADBLOCK and THUMB TRIPPING doesn't look half bad either. Although I am thinking a return visit might be in order because I think I saw a copy of FIVE FOR HELL in there somewhere ...

8/23/07: RUNNING MAN, CLIFFHANGER, CAPRICORN ONE

THE RUNNING MAN is a surprisingly good movie. Sure its kinda campy, but it tries real hard to please. As kitschy as some of the costumes are, nobody treats it like a joke unless the scene calls for it, and the supporting cast really gives it everything they got. Especially Richard Dawson and Yaphet Kotto. Maria Conchita-Alonso, not so much ... She's a little shrill here, always rattling off inane Spanglish asides even though nobody else in the movie understands Spanish. Who is she talking to? God?

CLIFFHANGER continues my revisitation of Stallone. Fucking awesome adventure movie that still holds up real well. Probably Renny Harlin's best movie which also kinda makes it his only good movie. Wait, he directed THE LONG KISS GOODNIGHT. That one was good so he's got 2 decent ones. Which almost acquits him for CUTTHROAT ISLAND. But not quite. That one was kinda like shitting yourself in public on a reality show, nobody forgets that shame. Anyway, Cliffhanger is just dandy, if a bit telling of the "early 90s vibe" with the attention paid to "totally extreme" snowboarding culture. At least the 2 XTREME guys get shot up halfway through. Which is nice. Michael Rooker is a great character here, he's a bit of an antogonist for Stallone, but the movie wisely has him suffer a bit at the hands of the baddies, and we soon start to root for him. Janine Turner ... CUTIE PIE. The whole thing is a fabulous 90s blockbuster, R-rated as it should be, very bloody, filled with profanity ... Great stuff. And probably the most amazing trailer I have ever seen!

CAPRICORN ONE again last night. Saw this with my Grandmother as a 10-year-old, and have abiding positive feelings of it as a result. I still think the climactic helicopter-cropduster chase is one of the most thrilling sequences ever filmed, even if it kinda strains credulity that an exhausted, starved, and dehydrated James Brolin could hang onto the wing of a plane as it does barrel-rolls and loops and canyon dives. But whatever. If its credulity you seek, avoid this one. Being a bit more critical-minded last night, I found a lot of it very hard to swallow, especially Elliot Gould's friend who gets "disappeared" after stumbling onto the conspiracy. This entire subplot just doesn't really work at all, and implies a conspiracy so far-reaching that to hold water it must involve, among others, NASA, several magazines the friend has subscriptions to, the friend's apartment leasing office, the post office, the utilities company, and just about anyone who ever saw him or spoke to him. Why is Gould the only one to notice his absense? What about the guy's co-workers or friends outside work? What about his parents? His credit card company? His neighbors? And is the woman now inhabiting his apartment "for the last year" in on the conspiracy? (She'd have to be; but Gould can't quite grasp this.) Gould even says "I've been here a hundred times" to her, yet asks he to confirm her address and apartment number. Why bother if he's really been there so often? That lady has to be a stone-cold expert pokerfaced LIAR to be able to look him in the face and tell him UP is DOWN and have him pause even a moment to consider it. Yet, the movie has him look for "proof." So yeah the movie's logic isn't very bulletproof, but like RUNNING MAN, its heart is what it relies upon to get the job done. It is SO post-Watergate, it isn't even funny. Its the paranoid thriller at its apex or nadir, whatever you prefer, but when the good guys finally blow the lid off the whole thing, you can't help but cheer. Great stuff.

8/21/07 WEEKEND FARE

Here is your update. Because you really want to know what movies I watch.

This weekend and this week seem to be all about 80's action. A few weeks ago I couldn't get enough slashers ... And then, well, I guess I found out that I *could* get enough. So to get away from the killing and awfulness, I went into a period of standup comedy. Comics watched include: Dave Attel, Patton Oswalt, Lewis Black, Joe Rogan, Doug Stanhope (the inheritor of the throne of Bill Hicks), and unfortunately, Dane Cook, who is a spastic meathead and isn't funny.

Somewhere in here I decided it would be a good idea to see RAMBO 3, as I don't recall having seen it since it came out. Its a bit of a mess with a lot of good bits but no "flow." Most of it seemd kinda pieced together and sure enough, I looked it up and discovered that the original director was fired early on, and the movie was finished by, you guessed it, the 2nd unit director. IT REALLY SHOWS. At the very least, its Eisensteinian in its editing.

Next up was ROCKY IV, mostly just for Dolph Lundgren, who I am rather fond of. So on the same day I also watched UNIVERSAL SOLDIER and I COME IN PEACE, which is so damn good they are waiting for a format better than DVD to release it on. I made do with an old VHS tape that promised it was "Digitally Remastered!"

With Dolph out of the way (but nagging urges to spin RED SCORPION still lingering), I caught RAMBO: FIRST BLOOD PART II again, and OH MY GOD, this is an amazing film. I realize I am stating the obvious, but something hit me about the sheer genius of Rambo re-fighting, and winning, The Vietnam Do-Over. What an amazing character for the 80's and Reagan, to re-address our military shame, shift the blame, kick ass, then nutsack the wimp bureacrats who "wouldn't let us win" the first time. Fucking RAD. Plus, Rambo goes it ALONE, a solo hero borne of the "me" 70s, rescuing the 80's ... From the 60's. Utterly incredible. Although I am still trying to figure out how Rambo was able to fire the door guns and the missile pods while still keeping the chopper aloft. I guess the same way he was able to drive the tank at the end of RAMBO III while also steering, turning the turret, firing the forward machine gun, and firing the cannon. And then reloading. All while in motion! You'd HAVE TO BE a hero to be able to do this stuff.

So with Stallone in a string of all-winners, I figured now's the time to catch COBRA, another one I've not seen since it was cable when i was a teenager. What a goofy movie. And let me tell you, it is SO 80'S. Oh. My. God. Maverick cop who "bucks the system but gets results?" Check! Lead female a vain model? Check! Poses with robots? Check! Hero has idiosyncratic period fashion but no uniform? Check! Viewer wonders "how's this guy still a cop?" Check! Now, I'm not one to point the "suck" finger at a movie with STALLONE on the cover from the EIGHTIES that I rented VOLUNTARILY. And to be fair, it didn't really suck, so much as it was just kinda cliched and silly. I could have stood a lot more of Cobra pushing random street thugs around and tearing their clothes and telling them to "clean up their act" and a lot less of Cobra looking at stuff through mirrored sunglasses and taking Brigitte Nielsen on dates. I admit it, I think its funny when the hero cop exceeds his authority and abuses his power to enforce the status quo. I mean, THAT'S COMEDY.

Oh yeah, pretty good car chase in this one. And the villain seems like he's from some horror movie, not an action flick, and dies the most spectacularly sadistic death since Seagal threw that guy with a broken back down an elevator shaft in MARKED FOR DEATH!

WORST. MOVIES. EVER. 8/27/07

These are movies I actually sat through in a theatre. I've seen far worse on video --- the list would be epic. Add to the list your choices and reply!

In no particular order:

1. STAR WARS: EPISODE ONE: When its not being a soulless fake-a-thon, its juvenile, convoluted, and loaded with dire acting.

2. BATMAN AND ROBIN: even under the influence, I thought this was a horrible mess. Too many characters who go nowhere. Clooney plays himself as Batman at a costume party. When Arnold is the best thespian on board, look out.

3. MATRIX: RELOADED: I described it as "Episode One Bad."

4. TOMB RAIDER 2: uneventful and meandering. Angelina Jolie punches a shark underwater.

5. THE CROW 2: kinda ruined my opinion that "if it has Iggy Pop in it, it's gotta be good."

6. HIGHLANDER 2: When Sean Connery can't save you, you're really in big trouble. What up with all the aliens?

7. GODFATHER 3: Sofia Coppolla.

8. STREET FIGHTER (VAN DAMME): Raul Julia as a kung-fu super-villain?!

9. THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW: run from the cold weather! (And the fake dogs.)

10. TWIN PEAKS: FIRE WALK WITH ME: I still don't know what its about.

11. TRANSFORMERS (BAY): your opinion might differ if you enjoy Mountain Dew and Xbox and GM cars.

12. THE ISLAND (BAY): Dear Michael Bay, please make R-rated movies again, your PG ones kinda suck without all the tasteless violence.

13. GODZILLA (US VERSION): and I own all the Japanese ones on DVD.

14. HOOK: I should've trusted my instincts on this one. Thankfully, it has faded from memory.

15. MARY SHELLEY'S FRANKENSTEIN: When Abbott and Costello make a better Frankenstein movie than you, stop directing movies

BOOGEYMAN, VANISHING POINT, no I am not schizophrenic

More movies 7/23/07

More under my belt ...THE BOOGEYMAN (1980). It's crap. Ludicrous plot involves vengeful spirit using fragments of a mirror to possess people and make them kill. Starts out ripping off HALLOWEEN and ends ripping off AMITYVILLE HORROR. And hold on a sec, but all three of these have been remade recently!

After this is a repeat of VANISHING POINT (1971). I got the soundtrack recently and wanted to see this again. Amazing stuff. Go read all the ludicrous comments on IMDB from pissed-off boneheads who only watched this because it got name-checked in DEATH PROOF and got mad because they didn't "get" it (so therefore it must surely suck).

Oh yeah and I still haven't finished all of HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME. Its just too miserable-sounding ... Don't want to finish, but know I must ...

MOVIE SURVEY 7/23/07

Movie survey!

I cribbed this from Ross' regular blog, and he cribbed it from elsewhere, so I guess now its in the public domain ... Here goes!

1) Favorite quote from a filmmaker
"But Roger, don't you want to see the piranhas eat her breasts?" (Joe Dante to Roger Corman during FX test for PIRANHA)

2) A good movie from a bad director
DIE HARD by John McTiernan. Let's face it, McTiernan ... SUCKS. And yet somehow, he made PREDATOR and DIE HARD.

3) Favorite Laurence Olivier performance
That Nazi Hunter in BOYS FROM BRAZIL.

4) Describe a famous location from a movie that you have visited (Bodega Bay, California, where the action in The Birds took place, for example). Was it anything like the way it was in the film? Why or why not?
Lots of Twin peaks locations in Washington state. The trestle bridge from the pilot film was EEEERIE ... Just like the movie. The Double-R Cafe? Not that impressive. And LOTS of Peaks-inspired graffiti in the john. Disappointing.

5) Carlo Ponti or Dino De Laurentiis (Producer)?
Dino, NO QUESTION. C'mon --- ORCA! THE WHITE BUFFALO!

6) Best movie about baseball
BAD NEWS BEARS. Just amazing. I still maintain its *actually* about America in Vietnam.

7) Favorite Barbara Stanwyck performance
I don't think I have ever seen one.

8) Fast Times at Ridgemont High or Dazed and Confused?
FAST TIMES. Duh. Because Dazed doesn't have Phoebe Cates!

9) What was the last movie you saw, and why? (We've used this one before, but your answer is presumably always going to be different, so…)
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME, but I didn't finish it yet. Its boring and stiff. I've been watching a lot of slasher movies. Sadly, the last film I finished was FRIDAY THE 13TH PART VIII: JASON TAKES MANHATTAN. It was better than I'd been led to believe; EVERYONE warned me, when asking for it, that "it sucked." So my expectations were rather low ... Even so, it was kinda lame.

10) Whether or not you have actually procreated or not, is there a movie you can think of that seriously affected the way you think about having kids of your own?
Maybe ERASERHEAD or KIDS. Definitely KIDS. Little bastards!

11) Favorite Katharine Hepburn performance
Since THE AVIATOR doesn't count, I'm just going with ON GOLDEN POND.

12) A bad movie from a good director
TWIN PEAKS: FIRE WALK WITH ME. Hate this POS. Incoherent junk. First 1/2 hour is pretty cool though.

13) Salo: The 120 Days of Sodom-- yes or no?
Hell yeah! That's some sick stuff. Anyone who says "yes," seek out MEN BEHIND THE SUN, that's right up your alley I promise you.

14) Ben Hecht or Billy Wilder (Screenwriter)?
Huh?

15) Name the film festival you'd most want to attend, or your favorite festival that you actually have attended
I don't hink too highly of festivals ... Its such a crapshoot. I always end up seeing such junk, and its too much effort and close proximity to nerds to end up seeing junk.

16) Head or 200 Motels?
Neither. Who wrote this thing?

17) Favorite cameo appearance
David Bowie in YELLOWBEARD.

18) Favorite Rosalind Russell performance
WHAT. THE. FUCK.

19) What movie, either currently available on DVD or not, has never received the splashy collector's edition treatment you think it deserves? What would such an edition include?
There's really just too many to note. And frankly, just give me the movie and the trailer and I'm good. Everything else is gravy, and usually, kinda lame. That said, Sam Peckinpah's CONVOY is really amazing to me, and isn't available on any "real" Region 1 DVD release.

20) Name a performance that everyone needs to be reminded of, for whatever reason
Michael Caine in BATMAN BEGINS is the emotional backbone of that film and I wouldn't have watched it as many times were he not in it. He is so dedicated as loyal and long-suffering Alfred! You really feel that Bruce would never have survived emotionally without Alfred. Amazing performance.

21) Louis B. Mayer or Harry Cohn (Studio Head)?
sigh ... old movies ... whatever ...

22) Favorite John Wayne performance
He gets killed at the end of THE COWBOYS. So ... THE COWBOYS.

23) Naked Lunch or Barton Fink?
Barton Fink by a landslide. Naked Lunch has some really dodgy FX that always ruin the flick for me. And I still don't quite fully "get" Barton Fink, so that must mean it is for smart people.

24) Your Ray Harryhausen movie of choice
JASON AND THE ARGONAUTS is really impressive.

25) Is there a movie you can think of that you feel like the world would be better off without, one that should have never been made?
TRANSFORMERS. Its bad for America and bad for the world. Its not even a movie, just a big advertisement that you have to pay to see. Total crap.

26) Favorite Dub Taylor performance
This thing was written by a nerd who wants everyone to realize how informed he is. Well, take that, nerd! I am leaving it blank! REPLACE WITH: FAVORITE DICK MILLER PERFORMANCE:
I love Dick Miller. Basically anything he does is just great. Coming to mind is Murray Futterman in GREMLINS, the occult book dealer in THE HOWLING, and the gun salesman in THE TERMINATOR.

27) If you had the choice of seeing three final movies, to go with your three last meals, before shuffling off this mortal coil, what would they be?
BLADE RUNNERSEVEN SAMURAI and THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST (just for good luck)

28) And what movie theater would you choose to see them in?
Assuming I was not in prison and limited to the prison cafeteria and an old 16mm projector ... The Wonder Theatre in San Antonio, long since demolished, but what the hell, I saw everything there: STAR WARS, BLADE RUNNER, RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, even EVIL DEAD 2! Failing this, the Woodlawn in San Antonio ... where I saw everything else. For a dollar!

July 22, 2007: SLASHERS

Currently watching HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME (1980). Melissa Sue Anderson won't get naked, you can tell by the editing. Nobody leaves just a bra on that long in a slasher. When its on that long, it ain't going anywhere. 2 weeks of slasher movies, spurred by the hilarious BEHIND THE MASK. ... So far, selections include:

GRADUATION DAY,
HELL NIGHT,
THE FUNHOUSE,
THE PROWLER,
MADMAN,
TERROR TRAIN,
PROM NIGHT,
THE BURNING,
MY BLOODY VALENTINE,
STUDENT BODIES,
SLUMBER PARTY MASSACRE,
SLEEPAWAY CAMP,
FRIDAY THE 13TH PART 2,
FRIDAY THE 13TH PART VIII,
SLEEPAWAY CAMP 2,
TED BUNDY,
PUMPKINHEAD,
HALLOWEEN II,
JUST BEFORE DAWN,
BLACK CHRISTMAS,
FREDDY VS. JASON,
TRAUMA ...

There may be a couple more in there as well. Bear in mind that the canonical selections are not present because I've just seen them enough already. Although some of the above titles, esp. FREDDY VS JASON, I can't seem to ever get enough of. So basically this is just a "recent spins" type of list.

CURRENT READS:

ESSENTIAL TOMB OF DRACULA (VOL 1)
JUDGE DREDD: COMPLETE CASE FILES (VOL 1)
THE DARK TOWER: THE GUNSLINGER by Stephen King
SPLATTER MOVIES by John McCarty
FILMMAKING ON THE FRINGE mostly for the Joe Dante interview
GRANDE ILLUSIONS by Tom Savini

CURRENT MUSIC:OLD GODZILLA SOUNDTRACKS by Ifukube Akira
VANISHING POINT SOUNDTRACK
SOUNDTRACK TO THE BURNING by Rick Wakeman
WAR OF THE WORLDS by Jeff Wayne...

Think I am on a Prog Rock kick recently. Now seeking old Rick Wakeman tracks ...

VALLEY OF THE WOLVES: IRAQ ... Diary of a bootleg

A review of a bootleg DVD, July 5, 2007.

VALLEY OF THE WOLVES: IRAQ is a movie I doubt will be released in the States. It is the movie version of a Turkish soap opera about gangsters, and in the film, the main characters go to Iraq. I think they are on the lam or something, but its never explained. These guys run afoul of Billy Zane, a profiteer who fosters conflict amongst the Kurds, the Sunnis, the Turks, whatever, because it keeps commerce moving. He also sees himself as an "agent of God" doing the Lord's work, which I found very interesting as it cast the conflict over there as a conflict between faiths. Its easy to see how it got the rep of being 'anti-american' but you hear that term bandied about whenever any sort of criticism is voiced. It is extremely critical of the American *presence* in Iraq. "Is not the Western Capitalism the boss of you soldiers?" one guy asks.

I don't want to get on the Apologist's bandwagon or anything, but I found this "hotly debated" movie to be rather inoffensive unless you are some kind of psycho reactionary who can't deal with criticism. Plus its little more than a B-movie at heart, lots of silly one-shot-with-a-pistol-kills-a-guy-in-body-armor stuff ... Its basically Rambo from the POV of the Other Guy, and just as silly. Sure, American soldiers are shown in a negative light, but there are narrative steps taken to make it clear that the 'bad' ones are renegades, and there are even a couple 'good' ones on hand to question their (bad) orders. Zane himself is shown as a man motivated by faith but after crossing so many lines in his life, he has lost the way of the Good Man and doesn't know how to stop doing Bad Things. I liked his character. There are suicide bombers in the plot. An Iraqi wedding gets shot up near the beginning and loads of innocent folks are killed by the renegade soldiers. Grieving survivors decide to kill more Americans in revenge, but their actions are denounced by the Islamic holy dudes as fuel for the fire.

It reads kinda like True Lies reads. "The bad guys are Arabs but not all Arabs are bad; see, we have a good one on our side, and the Bad ones are acting alone." Only flip it and replace "Arab" with "American" and you are kinda there.

The Americans are criticized mostly for being meddlers and interlopers and tools of capitalism. Not for being 'evil.' Ultimately the movie seems to argue that if there were no US presence, these troubles would be lessened, but a continued presence just leaves more opportunity for people to exploit the conflict to their own ends --- a capitalist impulse.

Its neither great nor terrible. It *is* intriguing and provocative. Horribly innacurate in terms of military uniform, equipment, strategy, structure and tactics. And all the US dudes die like punks from one stab wound, one bullet wound, etc. About as realistic as a video game, tag-you're-it.

DOLPHIN, SAW 3, BLOB '88, other stuff

Summer brings with it the realization that I have a lot of free time on my hands, and that means I get a lot of books under my belt and watch a boatload of movies. On Sunday I managed a three-fer and watched DAY OF THE DOLPHIN, DAGON, and EDMUND, and marvelled at the curious coincidence that DAGON and EDMUND were both directed by Stuart Gordon!

Last night was another double-bill (which are rarely thematically organized; my rommate must think me schizophrenic). First up was the 1988 remake of THE BLOB starring Kevin Dillon (who nowadays everyone exclaims "FROM ENTOURAGE!" even though to me he's more "FROM PLATOON!"). No particular reason for the choice, except that I had been kicking it around idly for a few days and it seemed like a good idea. Sadly, and with a small amount of throwup in my mouth, I realized it was pan and scan. Still, an impressive amount of blood and gore on display, and lots of characters get blobbed that are really surprising. Amusingly, the guy who gets top billing in the credits is the first to go. AWESOME.

My second feature was the obligatory studio-fare-I-couldn't-be-botherd-to-see-in-the-theatre-but-for-free-who-cares DVD, SAW 3. Now, as a viewer, i really have to exhaust all my options on the New Release shelf before I even notice a SAW DVD sitting there. Still, it happens. A SAW movie is like the last girl left in a bar on a lonely Friday night, its 2:20 am and you just drained the last drop of the last drink and your standards are lowered just enough to say "yeah, whatever."

So yeah, I said it: I have seen both SAW movies. Hell, at this point I have seen all three. This is sorta like saying YEAH I GOT THE HERP, WHAT ABOUT IT BITCH? or maybe THIS ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD AND LIKED IT. But once it slips out of your mouth you damn well better stand by it unless ridicule is something you enjoy. So anyway, SAW 3 is better than dog food. It is fantastically sadistic, unpleasant and vile, so, points for that. Plus, it is really confusing, which must mean it is for smart people. So, more points. I had a harder time identifying characters in SAW 3 than I did during THE THIN RED LINE and that's saying something.

But going back to my earlier observation of weird coincidences: Bearing in mind that I rented these 2 films totally independently of one another, who can name the strange coincidence of what both THE BLOB and SAW 3 have in common? No fair cheating on IMDB now! That would not be sporting!