9/25/07: THE ANNIHILATORS

Another in my series of reactions to "The Great Action Movie Quarter Plunder of 2007."

THE ANNIHILATORS (Sellier, 1985)

I wasn't sure I was gonna make it through this one, after the opening crawl informs us we are in "Vietnam" but its clearly just the woods outside L.A. somewhere, and all the soldiers are wearing modern Woodland camo. I somehow got it in my head that "if a film isn't going to take period detail seriously then I ain't gonna watch it," but luckily I got over myself and was treated to the modern marvel that is THE ANNIHILATORS. Briefly, this is a post-FIRST BLOOD, post-DEATH WISH Nam-vets-turned-vigilantes quickie about four war buddies trying to clean up the crime-ridden streets of wherever. L.A., I guess. And along the way they learn important lessons and such.

I bought this one on the strengths of Christopher Stone being in it. He's the guy in THE HOWLING that turns into a werewolf after bonking that babe by the campfire. You know the one. He's also the "Stone" part of Dee Wallace-Stone, the lady who played Elliot's mom in E.T. (and also the main actress in The Howling, which is where they met, I guess). But I digress.

THE ANNIHILATORS is filled to the rim with people who quite simply deserve better. Stone as the leader is a lot of fun to see in a lead role, even if its this silly business. Its always nice to see him in anything because he never drags a project down with a bad attitude (as any lesser man would if he found himself in this kind of movie). The rest of the group are a who's-who of stars who always seem to elicit the reaction of "Really? No kidding!" whenever I mention they are in it. Check this out (and bear in mind these are supposed to be BATTLE-HARDENED NAM VETS): You have Gerrit Graham (Beef from PHANTOM OF THE PARADISE), tying really hard to dial down the femininity; Lawrence-Hilton Jacobs (Washington from WELCOME BACK KOTTER of all things!) taking things really seriously; and what amounted to some kind of casting coup at the time, Andy Wood (from RAMBO as the box proudly declares), whose acting style seems to be "looking a lot like David Bowie, only sleepy." It took me most of the movie to realize that Wood's part in RAMBO was as one of the P.O.W.s! So technically, yes, he was in RAMBO. Kinda.

The movie is loaded with the kind of toxic inanity that would fell a less-committed viewer. Technically inept, filled with obvious and shoddy bounce card work, poor framing, and incoherent editing, the whole thing truly is kept afloat by the eclectic, if underappreciated cast. By-the-numbers story has us fast-forward from "Nam" to the present day of 1985, and the murder-by-meat-tenderizer of one of the old platoon members by baddie Paul Koslo (the dirtbike guy from OMEGA MAN). Revenge must surely ensue, but not before another 86 minutes passes. During this time the vets decide to train the neighborhood residents in self-defense tactics that seem to all rely on hitting people with brooms and then kicking them in the nuts. No one seems to really catch on too well because many more muggings and beatings occur throughout.

Sadly, the grim tone set by the first few minutes dissipates into intermittent attempts at feel-good camaraderie and shows-of-unity that seem inspired by stuff like LEAN ON ME or STAND AND DELIVER, but luckily we are still treated to amazing sequences of Washington's Kung-Fu "prowess" (so good its all in slow motion!), the vets' capture of an ice-cream truck filled with heroin they ALL (!!!) taste to identify, and Graham's noble sacrifice to save a baby from crossfire, replete with mumbled, unintelligible Final Words. (I was astonished they had a straight take of this scene to include in the movie.) In between these high points the viewer can keep himself amused by figuring out how the filmmakers decided to indicate agedness in the characters (hint: it involves white shoe polish in the beard), and revisiting the scene where the vets train the populace that if they are in trouble, they need only give out the secret signal of "rapping hard on something 3 times," which these bozos apparently feel the need to PRACTICE DOING. WTF!

The cast's straight-faced earnestness really makes this thing. Sure, its an enormous POS, but oddly endearing in an embarrassing lowbrow kind of way, and watching these guys see it through to the end is sorta like watching all the slow kids finally finish a 5 mile run a couple hours late. Its how you play the game, man.