Lots of stuff seen in the last couple weeks!
If I ever want to be committed to an asylum, I just need to show people the kind of "I can't make up my mind" schizo movies I watch ... Here's a few I recall seeing of late.
1. ART SCHOOL CONFIDENTIAL (Zwigoff, 2006), Funny when satirizing the pretentiousness of the artistic impulse, lame when trying to be a serial killer farce. Last half is too dark and plot-heavy, first half, breezy and hilarious. Its not that I don't "get it," I just don't like it.
2. WAR BUS (Baldi, 1985), Italian-produced Nam flick about soldiers escorting refugees through Vietnam to safety in an armored school bus. Sadly the film is almost too good ... Its not laughably stupid, but its also not got enough "oomph" to make it memorable. Still, solid actioner played rather straight. Plus, its Nam. Always a good thing.
3. WAR BUS COMMANDO (Ciriaci, 1989), apparently an attempt to seduce viewers into rent
ing a sequel to the "FAMOUS" War Bus, but in reality not related. Not set in Viet Nam, shares none of the characters, I don't even think its got the same crew. Still ... it does have awesome cover art, and stars Mark Gregory from Bronx Warriors! Movie is set in Afghanistan which leads one to believe it is a response to RAMBO III. One thing it shares with War Bus is that it isn't quite crazy enough to be laughable and not awesome enough to really be recommended. Standard actioner fare but Gregory is always a treat.
4. ESCAPE FROM THE BRONX (Castellari, 1983), sequel to BRONX WARRIORS, even better than the original. Gregory on board again, as is his amusing voice dubber. Henry Silva chews it up and spits it out, amazing performance as the bad guy, makes one forget Vic Morrow in the first one ... No Fred Williamson unfortunately, but you do get lots and lots of guys in space suits (!!!) burning people alive with flamethrowers. Wow!!! Gregory wallows in the well-worn trope of the .38 pistol that never runs out of ammo and blows up whatever vehicle he can hit more than once and scream at. Truly bad ass Italianism.
5. ONE DOWN TWO TO GO (Williamson, 1982), directorial effort by Fred Williamson, muddy plot about Hard Black Men trying to collect a gambling debt. Stellar cast wasted in tepid proceedings that go nowhere. Jim Kelly given little to do but "be injured" and be a maguffin that the other guys avenge. Richard Roundtree starts out being the main character but disappears when Fred shows up half an hour in, after the padding of a Karate Tournament wraps up. Boy is that a long first act, too ... Whew. Fred is awesome as usual and has great lines like "You might be an expert in Kung Fu but I'm an expert in Gun Fu!" Jim Brown plays his stout confederate and they take on shady white criminal types. Ludicrous shootout at the end is reminiscent of satirical similar scenes from I'M GONNA GIT YOU SUCKA and POLICE SQUAD; good guys on one side, bad guys on another, spaced about 15 feet apart, neither side with cover. WTF! It was staged like a game of PONG. Sorry Fred but you blew it.
6. PLANET TERROR (Rodriguez, 2007), its awesome, but you know what its about already. Praising this is about as unique as saying "I dig air" or "Food will satisfy you if you are hungry." Why bother. Watched it twice, plan to purchase.
7. 2019: AFTER THE FALL OF NEW YORK (Martino, 1983), a solidly entertaining example of post-nuke Italianism, provides abundant cheap thrills for all lovers of THE ROAD WARRIOR, ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK, and SNOW WHITE AND THE SEVEN DWARFS. Michael Sopkiw is a champion car gladiator in the post-nuke wasteland until he gets compelled to ESCAPE INTO NEW YORK and retrieve the last fertile woman on the planet. Oh yeah it also anticipates CHILDREN OF MEN, I forgot that part. Anyway he infiltrates NYC, runs afoul of a tribe of rat eaters (who despressingly kill rats onscreen in true 'I don't give a shit' Italian fashion), and eventually stumbles onto the object of the search who is in suspended animation in a glass coffin and a sheer nightie (thus the R rating). Oh yeah but not before also encountering, I shit you not, a bunch of evolved monkeys who want to put him on trial, yes that's right, this even knocks off PLANET OF THE APES! The always fun George Eastman plays the leader of the monkey gang and turns into a good guy and eventually the whole affair turns into a big chase in a station wagon. I love the literal-minded Italians and their 'imitation cinema,' if they don't imitate the themes, they at least provide the same cars from the more-famous movies.
8. INVASION FORCE (Prior, 1990), it might as well have a title card at the beginning stating "We made this exclusively to sell to late night cable and less-discriminating video stores." Monumentally cheap and dumb and by-the-nu
mbers, almost as bad as those action scripts I wrote as an undergrad. A grand total of one recognizable face, Richard Lynch probably annihilated the budget just by showing up, but the movie survives as a result. Amusingly the film seems to be trying to coat-tail INVASION U.S.A. (itself a ripoff of RED DAWN) by promising a "renegade Army Colonel" played by Lynch (who starred in Invasion USA) leading terrorists in a homeland invasion. Sadly their plans prove as insipid as their inspiration (which if one recalls was a couple of old pickup trucks painted black, and a LAW rocket launcher that was repeatedly firable and used on that stronghold of America, the suburbs). Invasion FORCE has a motley crew of ill-equipped douches "parachuting" (read: jumping in from frame left and rolling around a bit) into the strategically-important middle of BFE, USA ... Quite literally out in the woods East of L.A. Their "army" is rarely seen more than five-in-a-row, their "General" seems not to be aware that he goes on every single mission but does nothing, and they all (surprise) get their asses handed to them by a film crew shooting an action movie with BLANKS. Then out of nowhere Lynch is blown up by a C-4 charge and one wishes the same level of mayhem had been present throughout, as opposed to a limping final gag designed to push the audience out of the theatre with a smile on their face even though the film definitely never saw the inside of ANY theatre. Sad sad sad, and criticizing it makes me feel like I kicked a sick puppy.
9. AMERICAN COMMANDOS (Suarez, 1985), one of those pictures that really makes sitting through the other junk worth every minute, is an amazing t
hing of beauty. This movie's all OVER the place! It promises an appearance ('performance' is pushing it) by Chris 'son of Robert' Mitchum and none other than John Philip Law!!!! I bought this for one penny on Amazon but having seen it I can honestly say I'd have paid a thousand times that much for it. This one is three, AT LEAST three, movies in one. It starts out as a knockoff of DEATH WISH (although at this point it probably thinks its ripping off THE EXTERMINATOR) with Mitchum hunting down and vigilanting the thugs and 'junkies' who killed his family. This plotline runs out of steam at the half hour mark so in come some CIA spooks who conscript Mitch into undercover service to infiltrate the Golden Triangle in Vietnam and destroy the heroin network at its source! Mitch hooks up with war buddy Law (now a spook of a different kind and mixed up with Interpol) and they gather up the old platoon and start blasting on gooks again. But this time they're going to WIN, and for insurance they bring along a truck from THE ROAD WARRIOR and a motorcycle with a KNIGHT RIDER theme that shoots rockets!!!! As they tear ass along the road and blow fools up left and right, I kept wondering when they were gonna quit jerking around in SoCal and get to NAM already, but then I saw the extras in the paper Coolie hats and blue jeans and hysterically realized they'd been in NAM for most of the movie! (Boy there sure are a lot of California license plates in NAM). See this at all costs. Law is awesome and honestly has more chops here than I have ever seen, plus he gets to yell and shoot a machine gun from the roof of the truck and blow up the same "village hut" about ten times in the course of an hour. I loved this movie.
10. HIGH VELOCITY (Kramer, 1976), ac
tioner has mercenaries Ben Gazzara and his bugfuck partner Paul Winfield trying to rescue raving corporate chief Keenan Wynn from unnamed South American terrorists. Nationality of the extras is hard to pin down as they appear to be a mixture of Mexicans and Fillipinos, with maybe one Vietnamese thrown in for good measure. Strong performances and a bummer "Wild Bunch" tone of last-mission-blues highlight this nihilistic, unknown piece. Amazing ending is perfect for a post-Watergate, don't-trust-the-man, I-did-it-my-way film intent on making the viewer feel guilty about being privileged and white and American. Carries an astonishing "PG" rating one could only find in the 1970s where apparently the print had to come down and actually kill the audience in order to get an "R."
11. THE PRIZE OF PERIL (Boisset, 1983), a rea
l French stunner about the ultimate game show where the contestant fights for his life. The source novel for this predates King's RUNNING MAN and this film predates the Arnold film as well. An insistent score keeps things moving along nicely and the hero is likeably frantic in that what-have-I-gotten-myself-into kind of way. Like King's novel, the contest is uncontained and takes place in the city streets as "Hunters" track down the contestants and then grinningly pose for pictures with their corpses. Michel "Diabolik" Piccoli predates Richard Dawson as the always-cheerful host who happily hands out "a thousand dollars" to contestants' widows and congratulates them through their sobs on their windfalls. Runners must simply survive a set time limit to win, but our main guy breaks the rules and eventually starts fighting back in scenes that made me cheer out loud to the dismay of my cat. Very satisfying stuff, feels kind like NETWORK if Friedkin had directed it for Roger Corman.
12. THE LEGEND OF N!&&ER CHARLEY (Goldman, 1972), "Blaxploitation Western" with early performance by Fred Williamson, sadly little more than a curiosity piece based on the inflammatory title.
13. THE SOUL OF N!&&ER CHARLEY (Spangler, 1973), sequel, a big step forward from the previous entry, bolstered by the theme that young children worship Charley as a superhero whose reputation has spread across the lawless west as a fearless do-gooder who will stomp Whitey if need be. Fred even gets Whitey's woman in this one, despite his penchant for attempting to perform emotions instead of just look cool and smoke all the time like he does in his later movies. He's kinda weepy and self-righteous here but at least there's a big bloody shootout near the end and the tone is rather grim despite the misguided efforts to appeal to a younger set. I guess the makers knew that even with an "R" rating, the target audience would probably not be leaving the kids at home so why not entertain them too while Mommy makes out with her new boyfriend.
1. ART SCHOOL CONFIDENTIAL (Zwigoff, 2006), Funny when satirizing the pretentiousness of the artistic impulse, lame when trying to be a serial killer farce. Last half is too dark and plot-heavy, first half, breezy and hilarious. Its not that I don't "get it," I just don't like it.
2. WAR BUS (Baldi, 1985), Italian-produced Nam flick about soldiers escorting refugees through Vietnam to safety in an armored school bus. Sadly the film is almost too good ... Its not laughably stupid, but its also not got enough "oomph" to make it memorable. Still, solid actioner played rather straight. Plus, its Nam. Always a good thing.
3. WAR BUS COMMANDO (Ciriaci, 1989), apparently an attempt to seduce viewers into rent
ing a sequel to the "FAMOUS" War Bus, but in reality not related. Not set in Viet Nam, shares none of the characters, I don't even think its got the same crew. Still ... it does have awesome cover art, and stars Mark Gregory from Bronx Warriors! Movie is set in Afghanistan which leads one to believe it is a response to RAMBO III. One thing it shares with War Bus is that it isn't quite crazy enough to be laughable and not awesome enough to really be recommended. Standard actioner fare but Gregory is always a treat.4. ESCAPE FROM THE BRONX (Castellari, 1983), sequel to BRONX WARRIORS, even better than the original. Gregory on board again, as is his amusing voice dubber. Henry Silva chews it up and spits it out, amazing performance as the bad guy, makes one forget Vic Morrow in the first one ... No Fred Williamson unfortunately, but you do get lots and lots of guys in space suits (!!!) burning people alive with flamethrowers. Wow!!! Gregory wallows in the well-worn trope of the .38 pistol that never runs out of ammo and blows up whatever vehicle he can hit more than once and scream at. Truly bad ass Italianism.
5. ONE DOWN TWO TO GO (Williamson, 1982), directorial effort by Fred Williamson, muddy plot about Hard Black Men trying to collect a gambling debt. Stellar cast wasted in tepid proceedings that go nowhere. Jim Kelly given little to do but "be injured" and be a maguffin that the other guys avenge. Richard Roundtree starts out being the main character but disappears when Fred shows up half an hour in, after the padding of a Karate Tournament wraps up. Boy is that a long first act, too ... Whew. Fred is awesome as usual and has great lines like "You might be an expert in Kung Fu but I'm an expert in Gun Fu!" Jim Brown plays his stout confederate and they take on shady white criminal types. Ludicrous shootout at the end is reminiscent of satirical similar scenes from I'M GONNA GIT YOU SUCKA and POLICE SQUAD; good guys on one side, bad guys on another, spaced about 15 feet apart, neither side with cover. WTF! It was staged like a game of PONG. Sorry Fred but you blew it.
6. PLANET TERROR (Rodriguez, 2007), its awesome, but you know what its about already. Praising this is about as unique as saying "I dig air" or "Food will satisfy you if you are hungry." Why bother. Watched it twice, plan to purchase.
7. 2019: AFTER THE FALL OF NEW YORK (Martino, 1983), a solidly entertaining example of post-nuke Italianism, provides abundant cheap thrills for all lovers of THE ROAD WARRIOR, ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK, and SNOW WHITE AND THE SEVEN DWARFS. Michael Sopkiw is a champion car gladiator in the post-nuke wasteland until he gets compelled to ESCAPE INTO NEW YORK and retrieve the last fertile woman on the planet. Oh yeah it also anticipates CHILDREN OF MEN, I forgot that part. Anyway he infiltrates NYC, runs afoul of a tribe of rat eaters (who despressingly kill rats onscreen in true 'I don't give a shit' Italian fashion), and eventually stumbles onto the object of the search who is in suspended animation in a glass coffin and a sheer nightie (thus the R rating). Oh yeah but not before also encountering, I shit you not, a bunch of evolved monkeys who want to put him on trial, yes that's right, this even knocks off PLANET OF THE APES! The always fun George Eastman plays the leader of the monkey gang and turns into a good guy and eventually the whole affair turns into a big chase in a station wagon. I love the literal-minded Italians and their 'imitation cinema,' if they don't imitate the themes, they at least provide the same cars from the more-famous movies.
8. INVASION FORCE (Prior, 1990), it might as well have a title card at the beginning stating "We made this exclusively to sell to late night cable and less-discriminating video stores." Monumentally cheap and dumb and by-the-nu
mbers, almost as bad as those action scripts I wrote as an undergrad. A grand total of one recognizable face, Richard Lynch probably annihilated the budget just by showing up, but the movie survives as a result. Amusingly the film seems to be trying to coat-tail INVASION U.S.A. (itself a ripoff of RED DAWN) by promising a "renegade Army Colonel" played by Lynch (who starred in Invasion USA) leading terrorists in a homeland invasion. Sadly their plans prove as insipid as their inspiration (which if one recalls was a couple of old pickup trucks painted black, and a LAW rocket launcher that was repeatedly firable and used on that stronghold of America, the suburbs). Invasion FORCE has a motley crew of ill-equipped douches "parachuting" (read: jumping in from frame left and rolling around a bit) into the strategically-important middle of BFE, USA ... Quite literally out in the woods East of L.A. Their "army" is rarely seen more than five-in-a-row, their "General" seems not to be aware that he goes on every single mission but does nothing, and they all (surprise) get their asses handed to them by a film crew shooting an action movie with BLANKS. Then out of nowhere Lynch is blown up by a C-4 charge and one wishes the same level of mayhem had been present throughout, as opposed to a limping final gag designed to push the audience out of the theatre with a smile on their face even though the film definitely never saw the inside of ANY theatre. Sad sad sad, and criticizing it makes me feel like I kicked a sick puppy.9. AMERICAN COMMANDOS (Suarez, 1985), one of those pictures that really makes sitting through the other junk worth every minute, is an amazing t
hing of beauty. This movie's all OVER the place! It promises an appearance ('performance' is pushing it) by Chris 'son of Robert' Mitchum and none other than John Philip Law!!!! I bought this for one penny on Amazon but having seen it I can honestly say I'd have paid a thousand times that much for it. This one is three, AT LEAST three, movies in one. It starts out as a knockoff of DEATH WISH (although at this point it probably thinks its ripping off THE EXTERMINATOR) with Mitchum hunting down and vigilanting the thugs and 'junkies' who killed his family. This plotline runs out of steam at the half hour mark so in come some CIA spooks who conscript Mitch into undercover service to infiltrate the Golden Triangle in Vietnam and destroy the heroin network at its source! Mitch hooks up with war buddy Law (now a spook of a different kind and mixed up with Interpol) and they gather up the old platoon and start blasting on gooks again. But this time they're going to WIN, and for insurance they bring along a truck from THE ROAD WARRIOR and a motorcycle with a KNIGHT RIDER theme that shoots rockets!!!! As they tear ass along the road and blow fools up left and right, I kept wondering when they were gonna quit jerking around in SoCal and get to NAM already, but then I saw the extras in the paper Coolie hats and blue jeans and hysterically realized they'd been in NAM for most of the movie! (Boy there sure are a lot of California license plates in NAM). See this at all costs. Law is awesome and honestly has more chops here than I have ever seen, plus he gets to yell and shoot a machine gun from the roof of the truck and blow up the same "village hut" about ten times in the course of an hour. I loved this movie.10. HIGH VELOCITY (Kramer, 1976), ac
tioner has mercenaries Ben Gazzara and his bugfuck partner Paul Winfield trying to rescue raving corporate chief Keenan Wynn from unnamed South American terrorists. Nationality of the extras is hard to pin down as they appear to be a mixture of Mexicans and Fillipinos, with maybe one Vietnamese thrown in for good measure. Strong performances and a bummer "Wild Bunch" tone of last-mission-blues highlight this nihilistic, unknown piece. Amazing ending is perfect for a post-Watergate, don't-trust-the-man, I-did-it-my-way film intent on making the viewer feel guilty about being privileged and white and American. Carries an astonishing "PG" rating one could only find in the 1970s where apparently the print had to come down and actually kill the audience in order to get an "R."11. THE PRIZE OF PERIL (Boisset, 1983), a rea
l French stunner about the ultimate game show where the contestant fights for his life. The source novel for this predates King's RUNNING MAN and this film predates the Arnold film as well. An insistent score keeps things moving along nicely and the hero is likeably frantic in that what-have-I-gotten-myself-into kind of way. Like King's novel, the contest is uncontained and takes place in the city streets as "Hunters" track down the contestants and then grinningly pose for pictures with their corpses. Michel "Diabolik" Piccoli predates Richard Dawson as the always-cheerful host who happily hands out "a thousand dollars" to contestants' widows and congratulates them through their sobs on their windfalls. Runners must simply survive a set time limit to win, but our main guy breaks the rules and eventually starts fighting back in scenes that made me cheer out loud to the dismay of my cat. Very satisfying stuff, feels kind like NETWORK if Friedkin had directed it for Roger Corman.12. THE LEGEND OF N!&&ER CHARLEY (Goldman, 1972), "Blaxploitation Western" with early performance by Fred Williamson, sadly little more than a curiosity piece based on the inflammatory title.
13. THE SOUL OF N!&&ER CHARLEY (Spangler, 1973), sequel, a big step forward from the previous entry, bolstered by the theme that young children worship Charley as a superhero whose reputation has spread across the lawless west as a fearless do-gooder who will stomp Whitey if need be. Fred even gets Whitey's woman in this one, despite his penchant for attempting to perform emotions instead of just look cool and smoke all the time like he does in his later movies. He's kinda weepy and self-righteous here but at least there's a big bloody shootout near the end and the tone is rather grim despite the misguided efforts to appeal to a younger set. I guess the makers knew that even with an "R" rating, the target audience would probably not be leaving the kids at home so why not entertain them too while Mommy makes out with her new boyfriend.
posted by figurebuilder at 8:50 AM
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