Ultimate Avengers, Ultimate CRAP

The glowing praise heaped on this atrocity must be from paid Marvel shills, because this "film" is a DISASTER. At best it is "a missed opportunity" at making even a passable film, at worst it is just plain God-awful. And BORING. And really and truly lousy-looking. With terrible voice casting and writers who may very well never have read a Marvel comic in their life. DON'T BE FOOLED if you are on the fence or unsure of the level of quality involved. This is nothing more than a cheapjack attempt at selling DVDs to suckers who think THE ULTIMATES is the best thing out there. Well --- this is no ULTIMATES. Not even close. The producers can dance around questions relating to Hank Pym's spousal abuse (absent), or the Hulk eating people and being a horndog (absent), or Janet's clothes falling off when she shrinks (absent), but what it all boils down to is an embarrassingly inept piece of drivel that at 70 minutes is about 3 times too long, and that's only because in the last 10 minutes there is a big bloodless fight.

Now don't go getting your panties in a wad about "critiquing something for what it ISN'T as opposed to what it IS." Sure, I am dissapointed that the name "ultimate" fished me in. But even if this project merely veered off-page a bit in order to get a PG-13 doesn't excuse the astounding level of amateurism on display. Its got everything: lame aliens, lamer spaceships, herky-jerky animation outclassed by even the laziest episode of GI JOE, an Iron Man who sounds almost exactly like "Satan" from South Park, a Hulk who speaks in complete sentences, and characters who move as if a splintered broomhandle were inserted in their posteriors. Utter drek from start to finish. I actually found myself admiring the sound mix, in a desperate move to hold my attention just a little further.

There are a few high points, but in this context, that isn't saying much. There are a handful of nonthreatening scenes that look a bit like panels from the comic. Oh boy. The WW2 preface plays out in a similar manner as the comic, only lacking in gravitas or spectacle. Hank vs Hulk is peppered with a couple fun lines of dialogue. Hulk vs Thor features one shot that seemed like it gobbled up the entire animation budget, as the characters actually move and flow in an almost-believable manner. Hank's costume looks like Bryan Hitch designed it. Oh, and the DVD box art is very nice as well.

But ... are these things worth enduring the rest of this misery for??? You be the judge. Just don't say you were never warned. Hardcore completists will want to spin this at least once, but it will be a chore. If you've never seen much animation, you may like this. If you are a parent, this a dream-come-true for inoffensive hero action to babysit your nerdlings with. But if you are looking for anything even remotely resembling THE ULTIMATES, or something satisfying on any level other than camp, stay well away from this.