But, while I am waiting ...

... here is a hilarious quote from an Amazon review for Timothy Hines' WAR OF THE WORLDS. An obviously fake one, too.

"Unlike today's cartoons with their "hip" humour, their doe-eyed panty-flashing Japanese wiccan-harlots, and their cynical disregard for conservative family values, there's absolutely nothing in H.G. HEINZ'S WARS OF THE WORLDS that wouldn't find solace within the deveoping mind of a five-year-old."

Man, that's gold.

... And that's why Myspace and Friendster SUCK ASS

Because after all the time I put into it, what was I left with. Sweet fuck-all! Yes I am in an extremely pissy mood here today people. In fact, I'm giving it 24 hours --- one lousy day --- and if I don't see some sonovabitchin replies here, I am changing the blog addy and it will forever be a F***ING PRIVATE JOURNAL. I ain't sharin' shit with nobody and I'll just content myself with being like that dude shut in his room writing blog entries all day and night from that comic HATE by Bagge. If a fictional character can derive sense of purpose and self-satisfaction from that activity, I am sure a real guy can as well. IN SPADES!

So y'all are on freakin notice yo. Post or perish.

"If WW2 was an RTS" or some shit like that

OK I did not write this but its still funny as hell.

If World War II Was an RTS

If World War Two had been an online Real TtimeStrategy game, the chat room traffic would have gone something like this.

*Hitler[AoE] has joined the game.*
*Eisenhower has joined the game.*
*paTTon has joined the game.*
*Churchill has joined the game.*
*benny-tow has joined the game.*
*T0J0 has joined the game.*
*Roosevelt has joined the game.*
*Stalin has joined the game.*
*deGaulle has joined the game.*
Roosevelt: hey sup
T0J0: y0
Stalin: hi
Churchill: hi
Hitler[AoE]: cool, i start with panzer tanks!
paTTon: lol more like panzy tanks
T0JO: lol
Roosevelt: o this fockin sucks i got a depression!
benny-tow: haha america sux
Stalin: hey hitler you dont fight me i dont fight u,cool?
Hitler[AoE]; sure whatever
Stalin: cool
deGaulle: **** Hitler rushed some1 help
Hitler[AoE]: lol byebye frenchy
Roosevelt: i dont got **** to help, sry
Churchill: wtf the luftwaffle is attacking me
Roosevelt: get antiair guns
Churchill: i cant afford them
benny-tow: u n00bs know what team talk is?
paTTon: stfu
Roosevelt: o yah hit the navajo button guys
deGaulle: eisenhower ur worthless come help me quick
Eisenhower: i cant do **** til rosevelt gives me an army
paTTon: yah hurry the fock up
Churchill: d00d im gettin pounded
deGaulle: this is fockin weak u guys suck
*deGaulle has left the game.*
Roosevelt: im gonna attack the axis k?
benny-tow: with what? ur wheelchair?
benny-tow: lol did u mess up ur legs AND ur head?
Hitler[AoE]: ROFLMAO
T0J0: lol o no america im comin 4 u
Roosevelt: wtf! thats bullsh1t u fags im gunna kick ur asses
T0JO: not without ur harbors u wont! lol
Roosevelt: u little biotch ill get u
Hitler[AoE]: wtf
Hitler[AoE]: america hax, u had depression and now ugot a huge fockin army
Hitler[AoE]: thats bullsh1t u hacker
Churchill: lol no more france for u hitler
Hitler[AoE]: tojo help me!
T0J0: wtf u want me to do, im on the other side of theworld retard
Hitler[AoE]: fine ill clear you a path
Stalin: WTF u arsshoel! WE HAD A FoCKIN TRUCE
Hitler[AoE]: i changed my mind lol
benny-tow: haha
benny-tow: hey ur losing ur guys in africa im gonnaneed help in italy soon sum1
T0J0: o **** i cant help u i got my hands full
Hitler[AoE]: im 2 busy 2 help
Roosevelt: yah thats right ***** im comin for ya
Stalin: church help me
Churchill: like u helped me before? sure ill just sit here
Stalin: dont be an arss
Churchill: dont be a commie. oops too late
Eisenhower: LOL
benny-tow: hahahh oh sh1t help
Hitler: o man ur focked
paTTon: oh what now biotch
Roosevelt: whos the cripple now lol
*benny-tow has been eliminated.*
benny-tow: lame
Roosevelt: gj patton
paTTon: thnx
Hitler[AoE]: WTF eisenhower hax hes killing all my sh1t
Hitler[AoE]: quit u hacker so u dont ruin my record
Eisenhower: Nuts!
benny~tow: wtf that mean?
Eisenhower: meant to say nutsack lol finger slipped
paTTon: coming to get u hitler u paper hanging hun cocksocker
Stalin: rofl
T0J0: HAHAHHAA
Hitler[AoE]: u guys are fockin gay
Hitler[AoE]: ur never getting in my city
*Hitler[AoE] has been eliminated.*
benny~tow: OMG u noob you killed yourself
Eisenhower: ROFLOLOLOL
Stalin: OMG LMAO!
Hitler[AoE]: WTF i didnt click there omg this game blows
*Hitler[AoE] has left the game*
paTTon: hahahhah
T0J0: WTF my teammates are n00bs
benny~tow: shut up noob
Roosevelt: haha wut a moron
paTTon: wtf am i gunna do now?
Eisenhower: yah me too
T0J0: why dont u attack me o thats right u dont got noships lololol
Eisenhower: fock u
paTTon: lemme go thru ur base commie
Stalin: go to hell lol
paTTon: fock this sh1t im goin afk
Eisenhower: yah this is gay
*Roosevelt has left the game.*
Hitler[AoE]: wtf?
Eisenhower: sh1t now we need some1 to join
*tru_m4n has joined the game.*
tru_m4n: hi all
T0J0: hey
Stalin: sup
Churchill: hi
tru_m4n: OMG OMG OMG i got all his stuff!
tru_m4n: NUKES! HOLY **** I GOT NUKES
Stalin: d00d gimmie some plz
tru_m4n: no way i only got like a couple
Stalin: omg dont be gay gimmie nuculer secrets
T0J0: wtf is nukes?
T0J0: holy ****holy****hoyl****!
*T0J0 has been eliminated.*
*The Allied team has won the game!*
Eisenhower: awesome!
Churchill: gg noobs no re
T0J0: thats bull**** u fockin suck
*T0J0 has left the game.*
*Eisenhower has left the game.*
Stalin: next game im not going to be on ur team, uguys didnt help me for ****
Churchill: wutever, we didnt need ur help ne way dumbarss
tru_m4n: l8r all
benny~tow: bye
Churchill: l8r
Stalin: fock u all
tru_m4n: shut up commie lol
*tru_m4n has left the game.*
benny~tow: lololol u commie
Churchill: ROFL
Churchill: bye commie
*Churchill has left the game.*
*benny~tow has left the game.*
Stalin: i hate u all fags
*Stalin has left the game.*
paTTon: lol no1 is left
paTTon: weeeee i got a jeep
*paTTon has been eliminated.*
paTTon: o sh1t!
*paTTon has left the game.*

Look out! Tintorera!

So I "watched" TINTORERA last night ... More like "scanned through its interminable blandness," really. TINTORERA is a movie I'd heard about recently while masochistically seeking out JAWS ripoffs in old video shops. I'd managed to keep down GRIZZLY, TENTACLES, and even GREAT WHITE, but from what I had read, TINTORERA was gonna be difficult to stomach ... IF I could find it. It was the "IF" that I took as a challenge, and yesterday I came across a Mexican DVD of the "25th Anniversary Edition!!!" The verdict?

Its lousy. I mean, I didn't expect anything BUT lousy, but I at least expected a movie subtitled "Killer Shark" to have a bit more sharks killing in it. But mostly it was a lot of vacation resort footage and some (OK, a LOT of) naked underwater swimming. A LOT. Susan "Dirty Mary" George gets top billing but doesn't show up until 1 hour and 5 minutes in. At precisely 1 hour 35 minutes, she exits. And there's still about an hour left to go. Also we never find out why everyone keeps saying she's "English" as she very clearly is not. At least she gets to show a little fan appreciation in her scant screentime. Thank you, Susan.

The rest of the movie seems to be about gigolos at a Mexican resort. Either that or a paid advertisement for Speedo briefs. "Speedo: Day, Night, Whenever!" (Although to be fair to my lady readers, it should be noted that the Speedos get doffed about as much as the bikinis, if you are into that 70s tan line/white butt kinda thing.) A friend of mine recommended a drinking game where you take a swig every time someone says, "Let's swim naked to the boat!" Unless you can really hold your liquor, I recommend against this game. If you plan to make it through the entire interminable 126 minutes, I suggest you drink every time you see a shark instead. That way you can still drive home sober.

To be fair, the location photography is just lovely. If this were a promotional video for a hotel, I'd want to go there. Everyone manages to share drinks right around dawn, or sunset, when the light is JUST RIGHT. People go swimmming in crystal clear waters. A LOT. And the whole joint is jumping with loose women willing to shed their clothes at the slightest provocation. Aside from the TINTORERA, it looks like a really nice place to go on holiday. And boy do we get an eyeful.

I suspect the movie was funded and cast in much the same way as SHOWGIRLS. With that movie, it seemed rather obvious that the entire production was just as excuse to go to Vegas and do tons of coke and screw everything in sight. Oh yeah and shoot a movie when there is time. Story? We'll think of something. Actors? Are they good looking and naked? Fine, good enough. TINTORERA feels very similar in it's, ahem ... "verite" approach. "Everyone drink and dance! Don't look at the camera! And LOSE THAT BATHING SUIT, YOU!"

Utterly devoid of pacing or tension of any kind, the movie does have a couple of things in its favor (accidentally, no doubt, but hey, they're on film and the producers were wise enough to include them, so let's give a little credit). A couple of the rare shark attacks are quite grisly, and the water is so damn clear and/or the lighting so bright that one really sees what's happening, viscera and entrails and all. Cool! One guy gets his legs bitten off and the shark eats his head. Later on a shark attacks a group of drunken revelers in the night surf and I swear they used a real shark to simulate the action (not that they ever went to the trouble of making a fake shark for the movie, opting for stock footage and shitty associative editing instead). Although I bet this real shark was also real dead and being dragged through the water on a rope by an offscreen boat. But whatever, it looks convincing enough, and out-of-place enough in this otherwise unremarkable "Cinemax After Dark: Latin Edition" movie to stand out in my memory.

Susan "Three's Company" Barnes and both of her naked breasts make brief appearances. Basil "Robocop" Poledouris surprisingly provides the music. (I guess we all have to start somewhere.) Both have their names misspelled in the credits.

Hoping to avoid that empty feeling of having wasted an entire night on crap, I washed TINTORERA down with a belt of the old JURASSIC PARK 3. (And when JP3 starts to seem "really kick ass," you know the previous feature left a bit to be desired.) But in all honesty, I like JP3 because it doesn't pretend to be anything its not. This is a movie about people being chased screaming through the jungle by dinosaurs intent on eating them. THAT'S IT. Pure and simple. Its 90 minutes of running around frantically. Its like the Indy 500 except the other racers don't pass you they just swallow you. A lovely film. Take the grandparents.

Oh yeah one last thing. I saw HITCH HIKE this weekend. Great little 1978 thriller. It deserves more space than I'm gonna give it. Let's just say that its the only movie I have ever seen where the villain gets shotgunned by a buck naked former Bond girl. Naked shotgunning! Why can't this be its own genre?

I wish I had no neighbor sometimes

My neighbor and his girlfriend aren't the best folks to live next to. He's alright I guess. So is she, if a bit cold. Not too friendly. But this dude has got a snoring problem that won't quit. I swear it keeps me awake at night. And it kinda defies reason, too. I mean, I breathe in a regular rhythm, so I'd assume one snores in a regular tempo as well? But this guy, its a rhythm all right, but just really disjointed. Kinda like free jazz. And it sounds, frankly, UNNATURAL. Last night between 3:20 and 4:20, I lay there listening to this racket, and all I could think of to compare it to was a dog playing tug-of-war on a big rope. Like "GGGGGr, RRRRRg, guh." Then wait a few seconds, and "GGGGGrg, RRRRgh, gugh. Guh." Who the hell takes 2 breaths, then holds them, then takes 3 or 4, then waits a few seconds, and takes another pair? Its bizarre.

Last night it was accompanied by knocks on the wall. I think he must have been tossing around and bumping the wall, but for comfort I pretended it was his neighbor on the other side telling him to keep it down.

More than once he has woken me up with another weird snoring sound, but through the wall it sounds a hell of a lot like he 's repeating "I don't know" over and over, really fast. "Idonno, idonno, idonno, idonno, idonno." Too strange.

Often the two of them will fight really loudly. Usually around 3 in the morning, on a Thursday. (For some inexplicable reason, in Austin, Thursdays are just the "first Friday" of the weekend. Bars are really busy on Thursday night.) But they'll come home really late, and sometimes just lay into each other screaming and yelling all sorts of shit. A lot of the time he calls her "a liar." He kinda browbeats her, seems to very often verbally assault her about character isssues, tries to overwhelm her. Just really loudly. But she's no saint, trust me. What a set of pipes on this girl. I guess everyone needs to vent sometimes, and most every time I ever see her she's all mousy and quiet, but get a few drinks in her and make her mad, and KABLOOEY. Really shakes the foundations. One time I felt really sorry for her. She must have gotten some really terrible news on the phone, because out of nowhere she just starts wailing. "NNNNNOOOOOOOOOOO, why, why? WHHHYYYYYYYY?????? AAAAAAAA!!!!!! NNNOOOOOOO!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!" Then she started banging on the walls and it really felt like she wanted them to fall down. BOOM BOOM BOOM! "WHHYYYY???? AAAAAA!!!!!!!" Then maybe stuff like, "I wanted to see her!" Hell, I don't know. It was really disturbing.

And all of this stuff, always, the middle of the night. So you kinda wake to it "in medias res," all dreamy and sleepy, and there's this horrible mayhem going on like 3 feet from your head. Insane.

Mmmmm ... Wire ... (drools)

OK so I go to see Speilberg's WAR OF THE WORLDS for the 3rd time the other day, and since its at the Alamo I figured might as well get a burger. So I'm watching my fave movie when I feel some kind of FOREIGN OBJECT in my mouth, and first I though it was a sliver of bone, then when I touched it I had this fleeting thought -NEEDLE- that was very unsettling. But I think it was more of a paper clip that went through a meat grinder. I mean, it wasn't TASTY or anything, but I was a bit relieved, considering the alternatives.

And boy I have never seen a manager more willing to placate me than on this day. I bet he would have bent over in the men's room if I had asked him to. He was really quite nice and dedicated to making it right. We got the bill after the movie and it just said "$0." So basically I got 1 1/2 burgers, 2 orders of fries, a bucket of beer, an order of chips and queso, AND a slice of chocolate freakin' cake, for NOTHING. Well, nothing but a piece of wire in my burger, so the deal is only a good one in retrospect. Still, when I factor in that I used passes for our tickets, and did not drive, I had a pretty good day's entertainment for very little investment. REMEMBER THE ALAMO I guess.

(And yes I left a tip. It wasn't the Staff's fault I got a Metalmouth Surprise, hell, it wasn't even the Alamo's fault, it was the damned meatpackers.)

I'm not really political ...

... but I sure do know an asshole when I see it. And these douche bags blowing up London need to have a few Black Cats shoved up their foreskins (and in front of their mothers), given enemas with Mexican drinking water (then made to drink the expulsion), and then have splintered bamboo poles inserted VERY ROUGHLY into their anuses. STRIKE THEM CENTURION!!!

Monday

What did I watch last night (and this weekend)?

Uwe Bolle's ALONE IN THE DARK, a buttload of THE SIMPSONS, and CUT-THROATS NINE. (oh yeah and THE INCREDIBLES)

AITD has an atrocious reputation and as such, I felt it was required viewing (anything to make myself seem smart). Unfortunately it wasn't anywhere near as awful as I'd been led to believe. It really seems more like a movie that was screwed around with so badly in post that it lost touch with itself and the release date kinda crept up on everyone. It's chief failure is that it treats the audience like a bunch of numbskulls. There is a text crawl at the beginning longer than the entire first STAR WARS trilogy combined. It must go on for 5 minutes, AND is accompanied by a voiceover (in case us idiots can't read). The problem is that the text includes nothing that is not revealed in the first act of the film! Adding to the film's problems is the equally redundant voiceover by Christian Slater, "explaining" what's occurring before our very eyes ... Sheesh. But other than this, the movie is just a sort of b-grade monster flick with a lot of CGI creatures and gunfire (always nice). There are a handful of grisly deaths that are most impressive and the cast is inoffensive (except for Tara Reid who is just awful in everything I've ever see her in). Hell, I even LIKE Steven Dorff! Anyways, not recommended, unless other choices are completely absent. Sorry guys, better luck next time.

CUT-THROATS NINE, "the most violent Euro Western ever made," was surprisingly good. My man Paul said it left him "unimpressed," but after watching it last night I suspect he viewed it under the same conditions I did years ago: with one eye open and expecting a Die Hard-like pace. Fast-moving this flick is not. However, thematically its most excellent. Its about this chaingang being escorted by a vengeful lawman (or something; he has a gun) over mountains after their wagon crashes. He is convinced that one of these cons killed his wife in years past. Soon they all realize that their chains are made of gold and the scheming and cast-diminishment begins. There is something so sublime about a bunch of convicts suddenly becoming almost romantically attached to their shackles. Also the movie is not short on violent, grisly images. Apparently these shackles have no keys (its never addressed) so whenever somebody dies, its out-with-the-machete time, and off-with-the-foot time as well. This thing is gorier than a Fulci zombie flick, chock ablock with stabbings, burnings, torture, rape, dismemberment, etc. Narratively it is also most surprising. The lawman (and his daughter) have the tables turned on them about halfway through, and are taken captive by the convicts during a snowstorm. Chained up in an old cabin, the lawman has to watch as his daughter is raped by the whole gang (!). You're sort of sitting there stunned, waiting for his escape and eventual revenge against these scumbags. Then they set the place on fire and leave him in it, and you're like, "Man, get out of those chains, escape, do something," then suddenly we jump cut and see his BURNED-UP, EYE-DRIPPING CHARRED CORPSE in the fire! Holy shit!!! The "hero" just got killed right in the middle of the movie. Which left me wondering who the hell I was going to identify with for the rest of the movie. The daughter? Kind of in shock and ineffective. The convicts? The hell with them --- they're rapists! There's really only one candidate, a con who was knocked out when he tried to prevent the others from committing the rape. By default, he is our "good guy," or at the very least, our "best" guy. The major problem to anyone paying attention to the plot is that logic just does not hold up from this point forward. As long as there was a guy holding a gun on the cons and driving them forward, there was reason to stay alive and together. But now, without any law, or mutual need or respect, when the opportunity presents itself, there just really isn't any reason for any con NOT to kill one of the others. They all hate each other, and the fewer survivors of the trek there are, the more gold there is. And its not like they are shouldering some common burden like the Ark of the Covenant or anything. Yet at one point, our guy surreptitiously strangles the man in front of him, and when the murder is discovered, the main bad guy says, "You're worth more to me alive." But --- why? A) this guy wants to kill you, B) you'll move faster with fewer guys on the chain, C) you don't have to share the girl as much, and D) you'll get more gold at the end of the day. JUST SHOOT HIM! And yet, he does not. So gradually the daughter falls in love with the least-offensive con. Blah blah blah. They manage to separate their chains by laying on railroad tracks. For some reason they stick together (except for one guy, who wanders off in the woods and is driven mad by the spectre of the dead lawman). Eventually everything comes to a head and during a fight, the Less-offensive criminal is stabbed in the back, at which time it is simultaneously revealed that he is the murderer of the lawman's wife!!!! Except in the flashback, he doesn't just stab the woman, he shockingly DISEMBOWELS her. My Lord! Then he kinda dies, but is cradled in the arms of the girl, who apparently has no idea that he GUTTED HER MOM. Bizarre! Finally, she and the two remaining convicts are shacked up in a cabin, and she finds some dynamite, and quietly lights a stick of it, and then calmy sits down with her beau as she and the others are blown to smithereens and the movie ends. Wow!!! I can't think of a more nihilistic movie. So, hooray for CUT-THROATS NINE. (Good luck finding it, ha ha.)

Later, we will discuss the Case of the Ghost at His Own Birthday Party, and the Wireburger Surprise.

My review of the C. Thomas Howell WAR OF THE WORLDS

As a self-described WOTW "completist" I was compelled to rent this thing by merit of the title alone. My reaction is similar to the Mr. Show episode "Coupon: The Movie," where everyone excitedly proclaims, "I got THAT over with!!!" While not utterly devoid of merit, it reeks of by-the-numbers opportunism to capitalize on the superior Spielberg version currently in theaters. Howell does a remarkable job of keeping a straight face throughout, and the plot keeps pace well with Wells' novel, but ultimately the film just begs the question of "What's the point?" Other than a handful of modern slang words ("assclowns," "ginormous"), and a severely truncated first act, it brings nothing new to the burgeoning sub-genre of "War of the Worlds adaptations." FX are of the desktop variety and might seem impressive in a fan film being used as a pitch for another, "actual" film, but here just seem cheap. (Although it should be noted that after seemingly endless lengths of "Howell walking" scenes, one starts to yearn for more FX, no matter how crude.) Peter Greene, second-billed as Howell's brother, is introduced and dispatched in the same brief scene, prompting this viewer to wonder what he got paid for his afternoon's work, and if he still has heroin problems. Busey fares slightly better, as his whopping two scenes are at least spread out over the narrative, adding the tiniest bit of resonance. (Also worth noting is Busey's hilariously foul mouth, something of a high point for me.) The female lead shows a bit of "fan appreciation" early on, but is otherwise useless, as is Howell's strangely androgynous son. Most of the action seems to occur either immediately before our heroes arrive, or just after they leave. Often it sounds as if a battle may be occurring just out of reach of the camera's lens. Pretty much the most exciting scenes are those featured on the DVD box art, but alas, neither image actually makes its way into the film itself. This WOTW might not be a total disaster, but it is rather unimpressive, and I found myself far more entertained by the trailers for other Asylum movies at the beginning of the disc. JOLLY ROGER seems to be a bloody ripoff of THE FOG, only with strippers, and ALIEN ABDUCTION, sporting one the blandest titles I've ever heard, features a very appealing lead actress with apparently no secrets to hide about how she looks without clothes on. Bravo, lass.

Number twos ...

What'd I watch last night? JAWS

Yeah I've seen it a million times, but that WAR OF THE WORLDS has really got me goin,' and I wanted some more Spielberg. Some of the dialogue is so excellent. I love it when the Mayor says he "doesn't want that little Kintner boy spilling all over the dock." EW! I find it hard to believe this movie is rated PG. I mean, A LITTLE KID GETS EATEN. And a dog (offscreen). And a boat or two. And a Quint.

What'd I watch recently? DIRTY MARY, CRAZY LARRY and DANGER: DIABOLIK and RACE WITH THE DEVIL

Peter Fonda is such an ass in DMCL. Susan George is no picnic either, but Fonda is such a misogynistic jerkoff that he pretty much deserves her. In fact the whole cast is so hateful that when the apocalyptic ending comes, its really no tragedy. Still --- GREAT MOVIE! 1974!!!! Best year ever! RACE is also good. Plays kinda like ROSEMARY'S BABY meets THE ROAD WARRIOR. Fonda is less-of-an-ass in this one. I think he and Warren Oates may have been a bit drunk while shooting this. They both look kinda glassy. DIABOLIK is a gem. Another one I've seen a hundred times. Some of Morricone's best scoring. I think John Philip Law probably lost 20 pounds, having to wear that leather/vinyl catsuit the whole time.

Once I dressed up as BATMAN for a short film project. It was one of those BATMAN RETURNS costumes made of rubber, with the big-ass nipples and whatnot. GOOD GRAVY WAS IT HOT. I was sweating so profusely down my chest that the P.A. had to wipe me down before every take. Finally some gal came over and very quietly we cut up some maxi pads and glued them all under the mask and the cowl to absorb some the moisture. I smelled kinda like perfumy underpants.

So, think twice about dressing up as Batman, its not very fun. Although running around in a big cape is kindof a kick :)

My first blog, aren't I swell?

Yadda yadda yadda. Y'know, I only started this account so I could post on Leah's. But I'm sure I'll come up with something "world-shaking" to contribute. Someday. Although I have no plans to ever go to Iraq (fingers crossed), and those are the only blogs I ever really read. Hm. Anyway, more later. Oh yeah go see WAR OF THE WORLDS. Its rad. Ignore the last 60 seconds. Its crap. Everything else is incredible.