A New High Water Mark

I have been exposed to some seriously disturbing video lately. I thought I had seen it all, but apparently I was wrong. Which is really saying something if you know me. I saw this nondescript video box at my fave store and it had a home made cover on it declaring bluntly AUGUST UNDERGROUND. The title sounded vaguely familiar but I couldn't place it. My friend at the store said he watched it and didn't care for it. So I looked it up and discovered it was a serial killer movie in the style of "fake snuff," shot on video like Blair Witch involving torture and killing. So clearly, I had to rent it.

Its some sick-ass shit. The "cameraman" follows his lunkhead friend around and videotapes all manner of depraved goings-on --- kidnapping, home invasion, torture, murder, dismemberment, et al. The whole thing is degraded several video generations to make it look like a bootleg tape, something forbidden (never mind that I rented it at a shop). Its all quite vile and unpleasant and so shrill and offensive that I was actually embarrassed to watch it with my roommate home, so I kept the volume down low and closed my door (further lending to the illusion of contraband). Its ugly and gruesome and challenging, and if you've ever seen HENRY: PORTRAIT OF A SERIAL KILLER or MAN BITES DOG, imagine the vilest segments from those films shown on a loop for 70 minutes, and you have a fair notion of what to expect from AUGUST.

So, obviously when presented with the opportunity of viewing the sequel, MORDUM, I could not resist! But I should have suspected something when it was offered to me in hushed tones and it was revealed that the shop did not even have a display box for it; it was literally in the back room and available solely by explicit request. I WAS RENTING SOMETHING TRULY FORBIDDEN, and couldn't wait to get home and watch it.

I have now seen a VOMIT PORN.

Jesus H. Christ! I did not know such things existed. Now, I am certain there are some less-discriminating viewers out there in imaginary-readerland, those of you who might not really care to draw a line between "fake snuff" and slasher vid and porn, rolling it all up in a rotten depravity burrito and force-feeding it to Satan's willing thrall ... Me, basically. But trust me: I don't ever really go for "the real stuff." I am all about illusion here, kiddos. Vile and disturbing illusion on occasion, but fakery and trickery are the rule of the day. I like to see the envelope pushed and I have admiration for any who can trick me, even for a moment. And to be honest, YOU CAN'T FOOL ME. You just can't. But if you can be so convincing as to make me identify with a more-gullible viewer, if you can make me think that a less-cynical viewer might be convinced he is watching a REAL EVENT, well, you have my appreciation.

But some things just can't be faked. Or to be more precise, though they might be fake-able, when you see them, you know that the actor (or, the performer if you will) went ahead and just "did it" for real. Sometimes in a movie a guy just takes a whizz and there's no reason to doubt it's veracity. Or when you watch "Jackass" and say to yourself, "Yep, that dude just got his ass knocked out cold." Sure, it can be faked, but sometimes, why bother?

I'd argue that in the case of MORDUM, someone went a bit too far in the "realism" department. Maybe they THOUGHT they were making a "fake snuff film," but what they ended up making was, at least in part, a "real porno." Somewhere in the course of production these people captured "performances" that, regardless of the participants' knowledge of the overall falsehood of the situation, are nevertheless quite genuine in what is actually depicted. Sort of like in a porno, you can ACT like you know know this person, you can FAKE that you love them, but what is REAL is your boner going into their orifice, what is REAL is the nudity and the sweat and the jizz. In MORDUM, the "captives" might be acting like they are scared and in terror, but you really just can't deny that their captor just laughingly threw up all over them, and then made them vomit in response by shoving a finger forcefully down their throat.

DUDE, WTF!!! I thought I was renting a horror movie!!! Now admittedly I was half aware there might be corpse-f*cking involved, but nobody told me I was in for vomit follies. Color me shocked. Which is truly a rare thing indeed. Mission f*cking accomplished I guess, for all the good it does me. Its like that guy said in "8 MM," "there are some things you can't un-see." Too right. Too bloody right.

Bitter scooter girl and fashion anxiety

Just a few amusing things to happen to me lately ...

Today I am riding my bicycle to work and I come to a corner that I need to turn right on. A girl on a scooter rolls up on my left and cuts across the bike lane to turn right --- in front of me. Now, I am not too concerned, but for the fact that she cut it kinda close and I had to slow down to let her pass --- but then she has the nerve to glare at me over her shoulder (in motion, mind you) and yells BIKES HAVE TO STOP TOO!!!! as she tears off down the street. An appalling display if you ask me. She wasn't even wearing a helmet, didn't stop at the sign, and cut from the left lane across the right to turn, and *I* am the bad guy? OK whatever you say, Honey.

Oh yeah and she was wearing those asscrack jeans and gave me a nice view. Mybe she was on the rag, who knows.

Then the other day I was riding my bike down the street (OK, the sidewalk) and I came up to a red light and stopped. There were people standing at the corner bus stop and it was a tight fit, but they made enough room for me to walk past straddling the bike (thank you). But the kicker was the little girl, maybe 3 years old, who looked up at me and waved and said ... something. Then she said it again and I couldn't help but laugh; she was saying "Trick or treat! Trick or treat!" to which her mom was embarrassingly correcting her, "No honey, not trick or treat." This is the kind of thing that makes a guy seriously question his fashion sense. To the untrained eye, I was basically dressed up for Halloween. Great.